Turning Tricks or Treat: You want some Cooch with your Kit-Kat?

Did we really need to whore out Nemo?

So I talked to Pops last, so I could reassure him that yes, I was planning on dressing up and handing out candy for him at Halloween. He told me to pick out a costume and he would pay me back. I tried to think of something that I could just whip up on my own, and unless I want to go as a hippie, an emo kid or Super Jeans and T-shirt girl, I need to buy a costume. Blah.

So now I am on a hunt as to what to buy for Halloween to hand out candy to children. Dad wants something scary, which I am fine with, but all I seem to be able to find is…sexy. Dammit.

I understand the want for chicks to dress sexy on Halloween. I really do. I have been that girl a few times and I see nothing wrong with it. I would do it now if I weren’t old as hell and didn’t like to drink so much beer. I really would. But ladies my age just can’t get away with stuff like they used to, and that includes sexy costumes.

These days, it seems, 9 out of 10 costumes for ladies are slutty. Again, I get it. You get one day a year to dress like a total prostitute stripper and people applaud you for it. Girl Power! But I think it has gone too far…

Sexy Costumes that didn’t need to be sexified:

Sexy Ghostbuster

Sexy Scarecrow

Sexy Tin Woman

Sexy Marie Antoinette

Sexy Mad Hatter

Sexy Butterfly

Sexy Robyn Da Hood (this is the actual title of the costume)

Sexy Sponge Bob (which is, admittedly, pretty cute)

Sexy Clown

Sexy Mrs. Potato Head

Sexy Cab Driver

Naughty Nun

Naught Nemo

Sexy M & M

I assure you ALL of these costumes exist. I just saw them with my own two eyes. Google it.

I mean, do we really need to Sexify Wilma Flintstone any more than she already is? Wilma Flintstone’s prehistoric ass was the epitome of cartoon sex appeal and she still is. She wore a flimsy piece of Stone Age fabric. That’s it. You know there was nothing on underneath. So if you want to dress as Wilma Flintstone, go right ahead but do we really need a SEXY Wilma Flintstone? No. Yabba dabba don’t, bitch.

There is an “Ultra Sexy” Queen of Hearts costume which is basically just a bra and some boy shorts. Please show me the chick that is willing to wear this in public that isn’t an exotic dancer or doesn’t live in California, and I will shell out the $49.99 myself for her to sport this at Halloween. That is some high self-esteem she’s got there.

So what am I to do? What is a chick to wear that just wants to scare children? What costume choices do we have? What has the world come to when a lady can’t scare kids?

I honestly have no clue. I have only been looking for about an hour and I was attacked with short skirts, bare belly buttons and cleavage that would make ME blush. So I got a little side tracked and I felt compelled to write about the gradual slutifying of Halloween.

Regrettably, dad wants me to be a vampire of some sort, but I kind of just want to be a Grim Reaper. It would scare the poo out of me if I were a kid. Plus, I don’t think I own enough body glitter to be a vampire.