Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Teetee Transactions i.e. if I sit in piss one more time...

In my new digs, as kids these days call it, I have a room that at 16-year-old would drool over, so my cause for complaining is minimal. Especially when I live there for free. This house, however, does not come with my own bathroom.

Have you ever shared a bathroom with two toddler boys? Not even the entire bathroom, just the toilet. Their pee is highlighter yellow (it’s either that yellow from not drinking enough or the toxic qualities of Capri Suns and KoolAid Kool Bursts) and they refuse to flush. Whitman is scared of the noise a flushing toilet makes, and Garrett doesn’t flush OR put the seat up out of either laziness or apathy, and I kinda think that he finds it hilarious to pee on the seat. Especially after I audibly groan after sitting on a toilet seat wet with bright yellow droplets of pee and then I yell the first syllables of several curse words.

There is now a cash reward for getting all urine in the toilet. A quarter for every successful Teetee Transaction.

Yes, I am serious. Don’t look at me like that. And don’t try to tell me that toddlers can’t aim. They can so! I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. I personally think they get pee everywhere for the hell of it. They know what to do, they just choose to pee on things. If they were blessed with a vulgar and inappropriate vocabulary at this age, I would imagine them saying something like this, “BAM! I straight up pissed everywhere, suckas! And you can’t bitch at me for it, because I’m still a baby!”

The question you are asking yourself is this: But Stacey how will you even know when they teetee? Don’t you worry. They have yet to enter any bathroom without the entire house being informed of whatever is about to go down. They do everything short of conference calling that shit in. I have been woken up before because one of them had to pee.

I personally think they are searching for that long lost congratulatory “YAY!” when they first started potty training. That ship has long sailed, now if you could please quit fucking around and get all your pee in the toilet, that’d be great. Please and thank you. And here is a quarter, spend it wisely.


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