Asshole Monday: Halloween Haters

Does this come in adult sizes?

Ugh. I don’t know which group of people I hate most, Halloween Haters or Zoo Haters. At least with Zoo Haters I somewhat understand where they are coming from. But Halloween Haters baffle me and annoy me tremendously. And I am going to go ahead and lump in Harry Potter Haters with this group as well because they are usually in the same Evangelical boat. You don’t hear about the Potter Haters as much anymore but they are still out there, I assure you. And they are still huge mondo douchers.

I, for one, love Halloween as I have said before. I was raised in a Halloween celebrating home. And not only was it celebrated, it was a pretty large event. Not every child grows up in a home where the front yard is decorated with handmade tombstones bearing the names of their sister’s ex-boyfriends. It was a point of pride, really. But I didn’t always love Halloween.

I loved the dressing up and the getting candy and the Trick-or-Treating. I just hated being scared. I had little fear of ringing the doorbell to a home and being terrified, I was mostly scared of my own house. Thanks, Dad.  Actually, I only remember him scaring me one time and when he saw how terrified I was, he never did it again. But that still didn’t stop me from being frightened of returning home every Halloween scared shitless. But it wasn’t from dad, it was from my sister. I think my dad found it in bad form to make his own child terrified to come home, my sister, however, thought it was hilarious.

I would return home from school every day for the entire month of October with a pit in my stomach, terrified of what was to come. My dad had some pretty horrible masks that he kept hidden in his closet, but Christy knew where they were. As soon as I would walk in the door, she would pop out from behind something with a mask on scaring me and bringing me to tears. One day, I was around 8-years-old, her and one of her friends BOTH had masks on and they chased me into my room where I put my desk chair up against the door to keep them out. This didn’t stop them from banging on the door and threatening to break in and eat me or something. This went on for about an hour of me sitting on that desk chair against the door crying hysterically while my sinister sister and her asshole friend laughed and laughed at my terror. It went on until my mom got home from work. Yes, that IS a terrible story. But it is also very true. Christy didn’t start being a good sister until, like, 1996.

I think I have some good reasons to hate Halloween, but I don’t. I love it and I love everything that goes into it. That is why I don’t understand Halloween Hatred.

I have been perusing the internets today to research various forms of Halloween Hatred and why people hate it so much and I am almost urged to start another blog titled, “STFU,  Halloween Haters,” (along with, STFU, Emoticon Users).  I had no clue there were so many different forms of Halloween Hating.

I actually found a handful of people that are grossed out by “gory” Halloween Decorations. And, to them, I have to say, “Sac up.” You do know that that isn’t real blood or guts? And what you are feeling in that punch bowl is just peeled grapes and not actual eyeballs, right? I am pretty sure real blood, guts and eyeballs are pretty hard to come by.

And there are a-plenty of those “Woe is Mom” Halloween haters. There is too much candy to go through, and too much sugar consumed by children, too many costumes, too many kids to keep up with, too many scary houses to avoid, wah wah wah. Nevermind that their children love it, but they publicly decry the entire holiday because it is “too much work.” Um, shut the fuck up? Your children enjoy it, and isn’t that all that matters? Take one for the team, hoe! Can you keep your mom-bitching to a minimum for one night?

But, mostly the form of Halloween Hating comes in evangelical form.



Blatant Black Cat Satanist

I challenge you to ask any Halloween hating evangelical what their children are going to be for Halloween and they usually always answer with an uppidity, nose in the air “We don’t celebrate Halloween.” As if the low-down individual that does celebrate Halloween should bow down to their greatness at ignoring this harmless holiday. And I have no doubt that if you ask what they actually do on Halloween they will say they turn the lights off and pray for all the sinners that participate in Satan’s holiday. So instead of worshipping imaginary ghosts and witches you’re worshipping…imaginary deities???  Makes sense?

I went to Christananswers.net to see what their take on Halloween was. I was actually unaware that October 31^st was a “prime recruiting time for witches and Satanists.” Heh. You know what, they’re right. I know all I did on Halloween when I dressed as Holly Hobby and a makeshift mouse, and after I got all my candy and sorted it out between “savers” and “eaters” I sacrificed a goat to our Dark Lord (no, not Voldemort, the OTHER dark lord). Didn’t you? It was all the rage with suburban toddlers back in the day.  I don’t know of one Ninja Turtles costume that survived Halloween without being splattered with the blood of the sacrificed.



Damn witches are ruining our country!

You see the same thing with Potter Haters. Witchcraft and wizardry are being glorified, children everywhere are going to start performing spells to get better grades, fix their glasses and open locked doors, yada yada yada. You do know that its make believe, correct? Harry Potter is based on some super cool British lady’s imagination. It is a work of fiction, which means it’s false. He’s not real, nor are the things that he does. That would be like boycotting Winnie the Pooh for glorifying childhood obesity. He’s a fictional talking bear, no one with a working, reasonable mind should take him seriously.



Can’t everyone just calm the fuck down?! It’s all about free candy, people. Free. Candy. Halloween = Happiest day of the year…maybe not for diabetics....