Who Says I have no Content? (Everyone)

Yesterday was a very momentous day for me and it for sure needs to be a blog topic that everyone cares about...I got contacts!

It’s been about a year since I’ve had contacts, and they were really old contacts that were only supposed to be worn for two weeks and I ended up wearing them for three years (I am not the only person that does this, right???) and now thanks to vision insurance I have new contacts! Yay!

No more glasses glare! Woot!

But yeah, I do look weird without glasses. Or, as Garrett tells me, “You look really, kinda, scary.” He breaks it down for me pretty honestly every time. If I ever have a question about anything, it usually ends up with him telling me I look fat. Before I can even get the full question out, not matter what that question is, “…you look fat.”

As weird and/or scary as I look, it’s nice to be able to see again and to read street signs without squinting and see red lights miles before I get to them and who knew trees had leaves on them?! Insanity. So yeah, I am now writing about eyesight…

Instead of asking me, “Why are you blogging about this?” Maybe you should be asking yourselves, “Why am I reading about this?” Yeah. I'm just writing things down and you dumbasses are actively choosing to read this nonsense. Who is the real moron here? ...I just made you think about that for a second, didn’t I?

I've been told time and time again that I have no content and no one cares about my nephews and that's true for the most part. There are a select few that do, though. And if there are about ten people out there that actually enjoy reading them, then that’s good enough for me. Christy gets to read (there is a possibility that she has since stopped reading) about what her children do when she is not around. Everyone wants to know that and I see a side of them that she doesn’t get to see. It's pretty cool. These are memories frozen in time, people! (if you got that reference, you’re cool)

Do you know how many memories I have that are blurry as fuck? A lot and we didn't have a video camera or anything fancy, so a lot of my memories are damn near gone.  Now the boys have the ridiculous shit they do written down. In detail. For all the world to see. One day that might be cool to them? I don't know. It’s doubtful but it can't hurt, right?

And I read a lot of blogs. Blogs of people I don't know but whose lives I actually care about. It's weird as shit, but yeah. So someone that does not know me, may think my mediocre life is entertaining? I don't know, I doubt it but you're the one reading this…

I mean, I know that no one really cares about the details of my life in the grand scheme of things, but I just happen to think I am very funny and that someone out there may be entertained by my brand of low-brow humor. Bloggers are nothing if not self-aware, I may be a dickhead about a lot of things and I am for sure a much larger asshole more than I care to admit, but I am funny, you can’t disagree with that (you can). So you may think my blog sucks (yes) and that I am kinda terrible as well but…

of course you do! Why wouldn’t you? I have a blog for chrissakes. That’s pretty much a given. If blogging wasn’t completely self-centered and absurd, Mother Teresa would have a tumblr, “Fuck Yeah! Good Deeds!” but as it stands now I write for the masses (twelve people) and if it bores you…why are you still here???

Perverts, Lend Me your Ears

I am going to take the time to give a small shout out to a person that I absolutely adore. Perhaps you have heard of him, his name is Daniel or DP as he is known of on this blog.

We have been friends for many years. We met at work and years after I was fired from that place, here we are, still friends. We still talk every day and I don’t know what I’d do without him in my life.

It started out he was a great paper box carrier. If you needed paper or samples or anything that was housed in a cardboard box, I would call Daniel and he would get it for me. He seemed like a cool enough dude but he was so quiet and I could never really get a read on him.

I didn’t really get to know Daniel until that thing called Myspace. We became Myspace friends and we realized that we had a lot in common; books, movies, television and a small penchant for nerdy things. I guess you could say that we bonded over nerd culture.

Throughout the years he has been someone who always gives a trustworthy opinion and good, sometimes brutal, honest advice. He has also been a solid friend, never judging, always supportive. Basically, he’s a great fucking guy.

He’s also responsible for 75% of this blog’s viewership since last Monday. Because of this.

Yes. When I went to check my Google Search Words to see what was directing people to my blog and they were all going there. Chyna Porn.

My blog is now the leading ex-wrestler porn review site. So when anyone out there is looking for review on Chyna porn (and there are a lot more than you think) they are coming here. To my shitty blog. Where I talk about small children and Facebook. I don’t really know what to do with my newfound fame. Maybe we need to start reviewing porn with Joey Buttafuoco or John Bobbit??? I don’t know. I am open to suggestions, whatever keeps people reading???

All that being said, I can’t say I don’t love my newfound popularity so thank you, Daniel. You are amazing…and also a giant pervert with a large vocabulary. Love you, buddy!

This week on Facebook: Father's Day Fuckery

"Viggo from Ghostbusters 2 is in Memphis and is wanted for selling drugs...guess being a ghost was easier."

With anyone else this would be TMI but with this particular person, ROFLMAO = Prettty sure a massacre just took place in my hospital room. Blood evvverrrywherreee.

The only two Father’s Day statuses that didn’t make me cringe:

- Thanks for not pulling out, dad. Happy Father’s Day.

- Just ate half a pan of sister Schubert rolls for lunch. Fuck off, it’s father’s day. Don’t judge me.

And speaking of Father’s Day, here is the thing: Is it really necessary to wish your father a HFD when he doesn’t even have a facebook? What is the point in that? It’s kind of like wishing your small children happy birthday on your status before they can even read. Are they ever going to know? Would they even care? My dad doesn’t have a facebook (thankfully!) but even if he did and I was to wish him a HFD on it, he would laugh at me and tell me I was being stupid and a little phony, and he would have probably said so on that status. Just saying…

WTFITOFB (Why The Fuck Is This On Facebook) –

STOP making up LIES about ME and spreading them around. Everyone has to answer to GOD someday and ur NO exception. YOU KNOW WHO U ARE: I say UU AND YOU SAY ME--!! – this person is 29-years-old, not 16. And even for a 16-year-old this is fucking ridiculous. I will never stop being amazed at people putting their drama on blast (I just said “on blast”) for all the world to see. You might as well post a status that says, “I’m a drama-filled dumbass that wants attention, please message me and ask about it.”

Statuses Done Right:

- Wishes Pink and Taylor Swift would stop making music.

- Waiting in line at Krystals. There’s this chick with half her ass hanging out of her tiny onesie…and she keeps pulling it down like it makes a difference. Honey, you aren’t helping anything.

- I’ve had friends die and been cheating on by girlfriends, but there’s no heartbreak on earth comparable to seeing that there’s an Angry Birds app update, only to click on it and find out that it’s just bug fixes and not new levels.

- Lunch time. Trying to eat healthier. What’s the best lettuce to put on a donut?

- Lot of people at the New Kids/ Backstreet Boys concert tonight but not me. I’m holding out for the Menudo/ Right Said Fred show.

- Wheel of Fortune tryouts at the Desoto Civic Center today. Kinda want to go, but why bother? My spelling skills are top-notch, but my wheel spinning abilities are poop.

- Remember that one time when Creed was popular? What was weird, right? Were we drunk?

- I’ve lived in Memphis for years but I’ve never torn da club up or walked up 2 yo’ house, knocked on yo’ do’ and blowed yo’ ass off. I also haven’t hooked up with any chicken heads on the late night tip. Starting to think I’m not as cool as I thought I was.

- Roid rage just kicked in. Full Force. Hide ya kids. Hide ya wife. Benoit has been reincarnated.

- Crazy screaming cat lady is being crazy and screaming like a cat again. Just thought you all should know!

- Dude. Pain meds + benedryl + power rangers on tv = so.much.win

- First complain of the day at 7:08am: “Is there anything you can do about the sun being so bright?” Umm no, im just a mortal man.

- Heck yeah constipated at work!

- Cum on  my cat’s face once, shame on me…

- Hahaha ok which one of my friend’s events is this? “Wish Pokemon Were Real Day” Friday, November 11

Asshole Monday: Turning 30

Stacey! Stay this age. FOREVER.

Yeah, so I will be 30 tomorrow. My only reaction to this so far has been, “…” That’s all I’ve got. My reaction is to have no reaction. I don’t feel 30, though. Most days I feel either 16 or 46, depending on how much sleep I get and how much I have had to drink. And if we are going by my Wii Fit age, I am currently 42.

I think back to when I was about 17 and I thought 30 just seemed SO OLD! It’s not, at all, but I thought it was. There was also a perception I had in my mind of how 30 was supposed to be and where I would be when I turned 30. So here are the things that 17-year-old me thought people were “supposed to” have by the time they are 30, let’s take a gander at which of these things I actually posses, shall we:

A Career: As I have said before, I have a college degree. I have one that took quite a while to get. Not because I got a masters or a doctorate or even majored in anything difficult, it just took me a while because I had a job and I also lacked that thing that people have to get though college, motivation. My only motivation was to be done with school forever, so I did that and got myself one of those degree things. But just because you have a degree doesn’t mean you are using it. So I don’t so much have a career as much I just have a job. So, fail on that one.

Children: Nope and, kinda, yay! If I had had kids when I was intending on having kids, I would be in a much different situation now and I am very much grateful that that didn’t happen. But I thought I needed kids at one time, so fail, once again.

A marriage: Again, negative on this one. I had one of those, I just failed at it. However, I don’t so much see it as a failure when two people see that something isn’t working and instead of sticking it out to be miserable forever, we parted ways and on good terms. That doesn’t happen often and seeing as how I still have a good relationship with my ex-husband I am going to call that whole marriage thing a draw. But am I am married like I thought I should be? Nope.

A home: Ha. That is funny. Yeah as we all know, I live with my sister and her family. It’s an ideal situation for everyone involved but, still, I am older now and I should probably be on my own but that isn’t happening any time soon. Plus, it’s kinda fun. And this way I get to have children without sacrificing my body. But, no home to speak of over here. Fail.

Money: This is actually funnier than me having a home right now. Money is something I am convinced I will never have again. I am not so much fine with this as I don’t really have any other choice but to fine with it. Am I as successful and wealthy as I thought I should be? Not even close. F-ail.

So I have none of these things and I will be 30 in less than 24 hours. Do I feel like a failure at life? Kinda. Do I care? Not really. As everyone has told me since July of 2009, “Things can always be worse.” I went through almost two years of being told that and then, things kept getting worse. That is when I realized that people are wrong. Just when you think that things can’t get any worse, they usually do. That being said, things are finally starting to look up. Win!

No, I don’t have a career but I do have a job which is more than some people can say right now. I have no children, but I do have two nephews that adore me and who I can borrow at any time when children are needed (Seeing Toy Story 3 twice in theaters, playing with Play-doh, coloring, not wanting to eat in public by myself, etc.). Nope, not married and more than ok with it. I don’t have a home to call my own, but I do have a sister that lets me stay in her home and eat her groceries and use her hot water for free. Money is a whole other story, but I am not going hungry or homeless or without clothing anytime soon. I need much more money than I have, but I am getting by (not really).

So, yeah, I will be an old as fuck failure tomorrow, according to 17-year-old me, but 17-year-old me wore halter tops with bees on it with high-waisted-mom-jeans, so what does she know?

This week on Facebook: The Weather

So many good pictures this week!

I'm looking at YOU 1/4 of the chicks I am friends with



This is funny on manys levels.
The Jesus looking dude is Athiest Jim as everyone bows before him at a wedding...I laughed...a good bit



Hey At@t eat my ass(sorry old people). What it do vorizon (sic). - I have also recently made the switch from AT&T to Verizon but that is not what I am here to talk about. It’s the “sorry old people” that gets me. As anyone that is FB friends with me can attest to, I don’t give a shit less what anyone, young or old, thinks about what I post in my statuses. If they don’t like it or if I am too vulgar, there is a hide feature. You never have to see me again if you don’t want to. What also annoys the piss out of me is people asking you to censor yourself on FB. I don’t really care if your 13 year old niece is your fb friend and may see that I wrote the word “ass” in a comment on your status. Tell your niece to nut up or get off FB. It’s as simple as that. There is nothing I hate more than to get reprimanded by a peer with a “Language!” in response to anything I say.  The world is a shitty place with bad language, get used to it or prepare yourself to live your life constantly offended.

When u find the right one ur love is a shelter from a storm, love is peice in the middle of a war. If u try to leave may god send angels to gaurd the door. Love is not a fight but its worth fighting for. – Shockingly enough the person that posted this is not a 14-year-old Twitard with her first boyfriend. It’s a 31-year-old man.

There is nothing Facebookians like discussing more than the weather and there was a hell of a summer storm here on Monday:

- Getting pretty dark out! Definitely about to be some bad storms near me... hopefully we avoid the tornadoes b/c I know there have been some near by. I just PRAY we don't lose electricity b/c I need my A/C in this heat! – Yes please pray for air conditioning. I hear that is very effective.

- Hey guys. It's about to rain like a mother fucker. FYI

- I'm so glad I just got the pool clean, so now I can clean again after this storm.

- Hope the storm holds off long enough to get to my wife and son

- Not even an hour ago I was cruisin' down Poplar with sunglasses on and now it looks like it's 9:00 pm outside

- Ummmmmm....it looks like 9:00 at night outside. These storm clouds are no joke.

- I believe I left my sunroof cracked. I hope that I am wrong.

- I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I think we're all about to die.

Religious Fuckery:

Why are we so quick to get angry and upset, when we should be thankful for everything God has put in our lives- trials and triumphs! – Big ups to Jesus for cancer, child molestation, AIDS, rape, incest, murder, ingrown toenails, papercuts and lupus. Be thankful for your debilitating diseases and life-ruining trauma. God might give you a sunny day to make it all better! You ungrateful pricks…

What better way to end "pirate day" than telling your kid that the best treasures are stored in heaven not on earth; and God offers us the greatest treasure of all, his only son Jesus to die on the cross for all of our sins! – Bahahaaahhhaaaaaa. I don’t even know what the fuck to say about this. Even Christians have to be rolling their eyes at that one, am I right?! That is just a bit much for anyone.

WTFITOFB (Why The Fuck Is This On Facebook) -   

This weeks WTFITOFB comes to us from a message sent to me by the incomparable Jason Snell. I am just going to copy and paste the entire message here. It is worth reading:

B likes Bone marrow.· Like This Page.

Seriously?!?!!?!?!? It's not liking bone marrow transplants... just bone marrow. This kid is a retard. I looked at the page and it is just about bone marrow.

I often wonder why certain things even have a FB page, things like bone marrow. I, personally, am not a fan of bone marrow but I do love me some plasma…

Statuses done Right

‎"What a night, hookers aplenty, I forgot to buy condoms, but they looked clean" - Magic Johnson.

- Since when did the term gay and retarded become racist words... that really limits my vocabulary. Next thing you know douche will be racist too...

- I want to see Chris Bosh cry his eye out.

- As soon as I came home from work, I laid down on the bed. Just now waking up. I feel like a movie character who has no idea what happened or how he got where he is. Checking for face tattoos and bathroom tigers now.

- This mud-covered, flea-ridden buffalo at Shelby Farms is my spirit animal.

- Power's out. There are straw huts in Uganda that don't lose electricity as often as my neighborhood. Suck all the dicks, MLGW.

- If I had a nickel for every time I was sitting at my computer with Facebook open, only to reach for my phone and check the Facebook app out of habit, I would be rich. Also, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

- I'm commiting suicide by McNugget. Slow, delicious suicide.

- Had a dream that a rattlesnake bit my eyeball. Never going to sleep again.

- Holy shit, there's a freaking rollie-pollie invasion in my office!!!

- Wait....people are STILL posting profile pics of their naked torsos?? Didn't society already establish that that's...douchey?

- I’m helping a stripper find an outfit for work tonight. My momma told me to do good deeds.

- Detailed Penetration Report... not as interesting as it sounds.

- A…who is 5…recently saw the Justin Beiber movie. She has been asking about going to California to meet him and if I know where his house is. Yeah.

Murderdeathkill: Family Car Decals

I was on the hunt on Amazon for this. It’s awesome, no?

Then I came across this.  Those words were taken from my mouth. And I just nodded, “Yes. That.”  

And that is why I am about to sit everyone down. Parents. Grandparents. Everyone. Have a fucking seat because we need to talk and this has been a long time coming. If I happen to offend, this is something you need to hear. And if anyone out there ever lets my opinion influence them in any way, you are doing it wrong.

Not a single fuck will ever be given about your stick figure family. Sure, it’s cute. But here is the thing; it’s not cute. You just think it’s cute. Everyone else thinks they are insufferable, tacky and beyond annoying and we are all sick of looking at them in traffic. I can’t throw an empty PBR can out the window (I would never) without hitting some fucking asshole with their family portrait in plastic, decal form. And the ones with the family pets are the worst.

So dad windsurfs and mom shops. Thanks, dick.

So not only is everyone subjected to how many mother fucking kids you have but now we have to learn about your pets as well? Why does this exist? Why do overbearing, crazy parents need to idolize their entire family with a vinyl sticker? It’s absurd and the least sincere form of family pride I think I have ever fucking seen.

And while we are on the subject of car stickers…

This. Right here.

Enough.

Let me tell you a little story about these car stickers:

I think they are stupid (duh). I was behind a soccer mom one day about a year ago with my friend and blog contributer, Jim. The mom in front of us had two stickers. One was for a girl with her name underneath a ballerina shoe. Adorable (no). The other was for a boy by the name of Chance (not really, but I needed an obnoxious suburban boy name). The picture above Chance’s name was of a child reading a book. And here is where I decided I had had about enough with these stickers. 

We immediately both laughed at the absurdity of having both of your children’s names on your car, as not to play favorites, but what do you do when one of your children is good at nothing? (I will ask my parents this the next time I see them.) Is it really necessary to put both kid’s name on your car when one of them dances and one of them reads? Chance is a great kid and he sure he loves his comic books. He can’t dance or play any sport but he reads like a CHAMP! We went on with this for longer than we actually should have, that dead horse took all kinds of beatings. It was funny at the time and we both chuckled heartily. But I have to say, the kid reading the book looked familiar. Where had I seen that before???

Later that same day I was in Walgreens buying a few necessities (Red Bull, candy) when I see that same kid reading a book…on something for charity…for St Jude. St Jude’s logo is a child reading a book.

Yep. I inadvertently made fun of a child with cancer. I reached a new low that day.

However, I don’t exactly take this as my fault, it’s those fucking stickers, man. They get me down. I don’t need to know your child’s favorite sport (most of which I doubt those kids even play) or their favorite hobby or whatever. You people are making me learn things while driving, things about strangers kids that I don’t care about, and I hate that.

And why, all of a sudden, is every car you see have something or another boasting their children and their favorite thing to do? It’s like a plague. A plague of douchecanoe twatwaffle parents whose lives revolve around their children. Where is the end to this insanity? I saw one the other day with a tuba on it with a kids name underneath. Way to go, Spencer. You play the fucking tuba. You just told me to avoid ever going to your home because I bet your parents are going to make you play it for me. But you know, Spencer? I don’t blame you. I blame your parents. Your parents and their gloating disguised as pride.

I think the only sticker of this kind that I could ever tolerate would be a picture of an Xbox or a television or something else reclusive and nerdy with a kids name underneath. That sticker says everything about those parents that I ever wanted to know. Those parents are saying “Yeah, so your kid plays soccer. Way to go? My kid plays Xbox, and I just don’t give a fuck and I love them anyway so fuck off.” Those kinds of parents I could get behind, in traffic or otherwise.

I don’t think those stickers exist just yet so I am saying now that I came up with the idea. Write that down. Send me money when it catches on.  Thank you.

Backdoor To Chyna: An Analysis

Chyna is the name of one of pro wrestling's most well known female stars. I use the term 'female' loosely because in her heyday, she looked like this:

 

To her credit, she got jaw surgery, fake tits, and quit doing steroids so she's not quite THAT horrendous anymore, but it's all semantics really. Bitch ain't cute. So with that in mind, she's now decided to move on to full fledged porn. It's not her first rodeo. A few years ago, a homeade sex tape was released and that was horrifying enough. But this is honest to goodness professional shit here. Five scenes, shot from multiple angles. In high definition.

Reviewing this shows my dedication to my craft. I'm not this dedicated to my wife.

So let's review this shit, shall we?

- SCENE 1 -

Chyna is interviewed outside on the porch of a house with the Hollywood sign visible in the background. Kinda. It's blurred out. Of all the things that NEED to be blurred in this movie and they chose a goddamn landmark. *sigh*

The first scene is a 3-way lesbian scene. The 2 poor unfortunate girls who signed up for this are clearly weighing the difficulty of kicking meth against the shame that comes from burying their faces in Sheeva's snatch. Meth wins out and we get down to awkward, hesitant business. A dildo gets brought into play as everyone does a bunch of faked, over-the-top moaning. I assume it was fake. In my experience, women don't shudder to orgasm when a hand brushes against their chest but hey, maybe I'm doing it wrong. One of the women earns her paycheck and then some when she puts tongue to asshole on Chyna. Look, I'm an ass-man myself. I've licked an asshole or two in my day but I'm not sure there's a high enough caliber gun you could point to my head that would make me go down that road with Chyna.

Okay, so I survived that one....

- SCENE 2 -

Starts with Chyna just sorta standing there in what looks like a wrestling ring in a dungeon, slowly getting naked while looking really uncomfortable. She has big fake tits with nipples that look like they've been chewed on by beavers and a beaver that looks like badgers built it. Also, she has a huge scar on her stomach, but to the best of my knowledge (and Wikipedia), has no kids. Maybe she just got a C-section for the thrill? Is that what the kids are into these days?

Anyway, one-on-one scene here, her and some dude. There's not enough Viagra in the world man...

Somehow he musters up the courage to not only have sex with this woman, but give her the royal porn star treatment. He even picks her up and spins her upside down for a standing 69 at one point (I could not stop picturing Undertaker delivering a tombstone piledriver here). God bless this man. Being a male porn star is pretty high up there on the list of dream jobs, because 99% of the time, they get paid lots of money to have sex with beautiful women. But that other 1% is a motherfucker. Anyway, the scene ends in the normal porn way, and that's when it really hit me. I was a HUGE wrestling fan growing up and I just watched one of the biggest female stars in wrestling history take a load on the face. Fuckin' surreal man...

- SCENE 3 -

My will is weakening.

The scene kicks off with another interview, and then we move on into another one-on-one scene with her and some guy who drew the low number. First thing I notice here is this chick's ass is busted. I mean, don't get me wrong, Chyna is fug no matter which way you cut it but it wasn't like this in the first two scenes. But here, she's got some sort of ebola rash outbreak happening on her ass. Seriously, did Eli Roth direct this fuckin' movie?

And the guy she's fucking? Evan Stone. Goddammit man, I respected you...

To Chyna's credit though, she can actually deep throat. She took Evan Stone to the balls, that should count for something right? Maybe not. Oh God, there's anal! CHYNA IS GETTING FUCKED IN THE ASS, FOLKS!! Never heard Good Ol' J.R. call that one. There's even ass-to-mouth, which is only acceptable when it's Rosario Dawson (see: Clerks 2). Evan Stone keeps telling her "Don't stop." Fuck that shit. Stop. At this point, my computer starts to act fucked up and the video actually moves in slow motion for several seconds. Really? Fuck you Dell.

She deepthroats him and he puts her in some sort of headlock with his legs. I think he's trying to choke her out and put an end to this madness but she's an athlete. No luck. Can't begrudge him for trying though.

- SCENE 4 -

Threesome time. Chyna, another girl, and a guy. The other girl is reasonably cute, but it's a moot point. My dick has already gone on strike. I'd have better luck getting an erection at Aschwitz right now.

The guy and the other girl damn near ignore Chyna in this scene, at least as much as they can. I'm pretty sure the other girl never once even lays a hand, much less a tongue, anywhere below Chyna's neck. The dude isn't so lucky and the paycheck demands he at least give both of the ladies somewhat equal treatment. When he's not fucking the cute blonde, he's watching her and clearly trying to ignore the horrendous furry canyon he's falling into dick-first.

Scene ends about the way most of these scenes do. Guy busts a load on 4 tits, Chyna makes "fuck me" eyes at the camera while the other chick makes "pay me" eyes at the camera.

- SCENE 5 -

Final scene, but they're not gonna let me get out of this unscathed. This is another threesome, this time....2 guys, 1 Chyna. Just what this porn needed to make me less aroused: more dingalings.

These guys give it their best shot though. They muster up as much enthusiasm as one can when entering a war zone and it's nearly convincing. Considering she's already done anal in this movie, I was bracing myself for the inevitable double penetration, but it never happened. Sequel anyone? I guess you can't give everything away in the first movie.

Mercifully, this atrocity ends in the usual way and I have another surreal moment of realizing one of the celebrities of my youth is taking jizzbombs on the chin for a living now.

Kill me.