Asshole Monday: It's back bitches!

If hell existed, it would look like this

Okay, it’s the Monday after Thanksgiving and after a week of being positive, it is time to expose an asshole or two, and I think if you look into your mind grapes for a second, you will know who has it coming this Monday.

Black Friday Shoppers!

Before I start offending, let me say this; my own sister is a Black Friday Shopper. A crazy one. So when I insult faceless people across America, I am also insulting my own family. I take no issue with this. Moving on…

Really, guys? Really? Is it that good of a deal for you to camp out Thanksgiving night? Are you seriously not going to sleep for 48 hours so you can save $45 on a Wii? Are you going to fight crowd after crowd so you can get the last $1.00 scarf?

Black Friday may just be one reason why I am slowly beginning to hate Christmas. It’s all too much. Don’t get me wrong, I love giving gifts and buying things for people and all that good stuff, what I don’t like is people.

That is why I am more of a Cyber Monday kind of girl. You can get up at your leisure in your underwear and buy whatever you want and you don’t have to elbow some stupid cunt that wants the last Tickle Me Elmo. It’s a win/ win/ win.

And let’s file Black Friday under “Reasons They Hate Us.” They meaning everyone and Us meaning America. I have done no research on this and I am sure it would only take a second to Google it and give you a correct answer, but I am 99% sure that Black Friday doesn’t exist anywhere but here. Though I could be wrong, but I am pretty sure I am not.

While people are lining up here to save $15 on a 40” Flat Screen, people in other countries are lining up for a leprosy vaccine or whatever. Do you see? Do you all see the consumerism going out of control? The things you own, end up owning you (thank you, Chuck Palahniuk). Do you really need all the shit on your Black Friday list? Do you need to mow down soccer moms for that…soccer ball??? I am going to say now. When did Christmas become this? Bahmotherfuckinghumbug.

That being said, I would really like a Playstation 3 for Christmas, kthanksbye.

Words Fail

Hi, I am the dumbset person ever today. It took me at least 10 minutes to think of the word "scarf." The only thing that came to mind was "neck sweater."  I don't know... I am not exactly sure what is wrong with me. I don't have a gem of a blog in me today. But I will say this is for sure one of my favorite things:

Texting Daniel - Daniel is by far the best texter on this whole earth.  He responds almost immediately and he will sit there and text you all day long if he can. On a good day, we can usually clear four full conversations. The best ever! If you ever need anyone to text, text Daniel. He rules at it.

That is all I have in me today, so look at this picture and have a Happy Wonderful Thanksgiving. Eat, Drink and be a huge asshole!

Tea cozy, mother fucker

Rapid Fire Likes and Faves

Mario Kart

Tetris

Cheese, all kinds. Preferably with crackers

Dry cereal

When you finally find something after you have given up looking for it

People that love dessert

People that just love food in general, i.e. non-picky eaters

Pie

No-bake fruitcake

Getting free preview weekends of movie channels

Texts, any and all with the exception of the lone text “ok”

Free samples

Free booze

Tote bags

When cake comes out of the pan easily

Milka chocolate

People watching

Slumber parties (girls, lets have another one. Pronto)

Pronto pups (when I ate meat)

Harry Potter

When I find my chapstick in bag on the first attempt

When your iPod is on shuffle and it is rocking the shit. Some days, shuffle has a lot of skips on songs you don’t want to hear but on that rare occasion every song is a good one.

Zooey Deschanel

Buffy and the people that love her

Chips and Ranch

Fake chicken nuggets

Annihilating everyone I know with anything having to do with trivia

Spraying my keyboard with that aerosol canned air stuff and watching all the gross crumbs fly out

When my ears pop

Knee socks

Chuck Taylors

Google reader

Stickers

Crayons

Facebook/ blog comments, nothing better. So, you know, leave some.

Rapid Fire Likes/ Faves - Ask and you recieve around here

Per your request, Mr. Dav:

A thank-you wave, can’t get enough of them.

People that refuse to cut in line, ex: When you aren’t exactly sure who is there first and the other person says something along the lines of “You were here first, go ahead.” Love it.

People that put their cart up when they are finished shopping.

People that hold the door when they don’t have to.

Puppies

Cute Babies

Rain

Autumn

Cold weather

Sweatshirts

T-shirts, preferably tight

The City of Memphis, represent.

Visiting Morgan in New York

Going to shows/ movies with Tish

Drunk Carol

Delirious Rachel

Candice in general

Tiffany wearing Ed Hardy without irony

Living with Tracy, hands down, best roommate on the planet. I would live with her again, any day.

Candy

Cupcakes

Tattoos, I don’t have near enough and no I am not exaggerating.

Purple hair, it will make its comeback, I assure you. Yes, I may be way too old to have colored hair, but wow I don’t care.

Books. Books of all kinds. I love a book and I love book stores. Yes, I am against the whole Kindle fad. I am sure I am old and not wanting things to change, but I like books and bookstores too much to give up on books. And does no one realize that Kindle is basically, subliminally, telling everyone to burn their books. Book Burnin’ is wrong!

Nails. My nails suck and I can’t grow any to save my life. And since I have never been able to grow nails, it has made me covet having nice nails. Not like porno nails, but longer so that my hands don’t look so Flintstone-ish.

Making toddlers laugh, funnest thing ever! And I have been to Disneyworld TWICE!

School supplies

Red Wine

Homemade Sangria, it is 4,000 times better when you drink it with a bunch of bitches.

Jeans

Shopping, love to do it, I would do it more if finances permitted

Recycling

When clothes fit

When I wake up thinking it’s Monday when it is really Sunday

Granola

When Garrett tells his friends that I am his sister

When Whitman stops me to ask for a hug

When they both say “Awesome.”

Yarn

Making things out of yarn

My phone

Television, all kinds

Horror Movies, the dumber the better. The higher the body count, the higher my satisfaction. This does NOT include torture porn.

Movies in general

TV on DVD, you haven’t lived until you have stayed in your home all day watching the entire first season of The OC. You just haven’t.

Drinking on a patio

Drinking

Drinking with people

The zoo

PBR, haters step aside

Making lists on my blog

So there you go, those are some of my likes/ favorite things on the planet.

Asshole Monday: Postponed for Things I Actually Like

I am skipping Asshole Monday this week. It’s Thanksgiving and as I have gotten older and less greedy (not really) I have found Thanksgiving is my second favorite holiday right after Halloween.  Thanksgiving is all about being thankful or some shit, so this week I am going to try and be positive. And I only have three posts this week since I am off Thursday AND Friday, WOOHOO! So I think I can be positive in three posts.

Positive News: Memphis isn’t even in the Top 10 of the most dangerous cities in America. We are # 12, you guys! That is a milestone if there ever was one. Let all Memphians rejoice right now. We aren’t #1! We aren’t #1! We aren’t #1!

I will also be including throughout the week, things I am thankful for/ things I like. So let’s start off with a few of those (no, you won’t see anything sentimental here):

Fizzl'd Fruit Skittles - What I am about to describe right now sounds disgusting for sure, but trust me. Okay, they’re regular skittles but with like a pop rocks coating on them but they aren’t pop rocks. The coating is kind of salty but mixed with the sweetness of the skittles, it kind of balances out. It’s good stuff. They are so weird no description could do them justice. They are my current favorite candy and, as we all know, that is a big honor.

Cursing – I like it. Shocker, I know. People get offended but I will never understand why. They are just words. I have heard some people say that cursing is lazy and inarticulate, well fuck you. You can’t deny the versatility of most curse words. I make that shit work.

Falafel (here, so you don’t have to ask what it is) – Since giving up meat, this has become my FAVORITE! Along with a veggie sub with everything from Lennys, and a small veggie burrito with everything from Booyas. My dinner, when nothing is being made at home, consists of one of those three things. And my favorite of these things is falafel. I heart falafel.

NERF guns – About a year ago, last Thanksgiving actually, I was just standing in the kitchen minding my own business when, from out of nowhere, I was hit in the face with a rubber ended Styrofoam bullet. Do what, now? Seconds later I was covered on all sides with both adults and children wielding plastic NERF guns. Where the fuck did these come from? This was the time when my sister and her family were living with my parents. Dad bought the guns for the boys, yet he bought four of them when there are only two children. Since then, NERF guns have been a staple at every family function. No matter what day it is, what you are celebrating or doing, you probably won’t survive the day without getting shot.  A few days ago I had the boys for a few hours while Christy and Ron were gone. I was downstairs with Whitman and we were “playing guns.” It was a full on fight to the NERF death. After at least an hour of running around the house, dodging bullets, sneak attacks and ambushes, Whitman and I both sat down to “rest a minute,” and Whitman breathlessly said “This…is….awesome…” It really, really was.

Community – I am pretty sure I am mix between Abed and Britta. Watch the show and you will see what I mean. See what I did there? I intrigued you enough to want to watch it! Sneaky sneaky.

That's it for now, more coming througout the day/ week. Enjoy, you guys!

Text Sickness and the Women it Hurts

Today is as good at time as any to confess to the world that I have text sickness. It is probably not a real disease but it should be because I for sure have it.

I left my phone at home today and I thought I was going to have a panic attack when I finally figured this out. I was too far from home and too close to work to go back and get it. And The Collierville is too far for me to go and get it at lunch. It would take at least an hour and I don’t love buying gas all that much. So my phone will have to wait. Sigh…

Usually, to make sure that I never forget my phone, the first thing I do when I wake up is check Facebook (I know) and then put my phone in my bag. Then I take the next 15 minutes to get ready for work and then I leave. Yes I get ready in 15 minutes, this should shock no one. Showering and I are not best friends.

However today while I was staring at a closet of clothes that I hate and debating whether or not to check the other closest, I checked the weather on my phone and then put the phone back…somewhere. I thought I threw it back in my bag. I didn’t. Dammit. I am now one lost, lonely asshole.

So text sickness…

I have gotten better about texting and driving. I try to not do it unless the text is important (because, duh, texts can be important. Okay, fine, an example: Christy will text me to pick up a kid or something. I need to know that and I need to respond so she will know I got it, you see? Important texts). But ignoring a text is NOT easy for me. At all.  

If I know I have a text waiting to be read, I have to read it. Immediately. I know it’s there and it is probably nothing that can’t wait until I reach my destination, but I have to know what it says. Have to. Most of the time when I am driving I am hoping to be stopped at a light so I can both read the text and quickly respond, so sad. What have I become?

I am not even going to start thinking back to what life was like before I had a phone. I was a late cell phone getter and I didn’t get one until 2000, and that was way before texting. Did I actually call people? I refuse to believe that I picked up a phone and called a person. I am pretty sure that phone was nothing more than a monthly billed watch. I only communicate via text and because of this I have lost the ability to speak on the phone like a normal person so it baffles me that there was a time when that was all people did was talk on the phone.

I am pretty sure that when I get home I will have nothing new of importance that I couldn’t have done without today. It will probably just be sitting there with several texts from several people laughing at me for forgetting my phone. But that doesn’t mean I miss it any less. I feel like I have forgotten everything like my glasses or my bra or my ponytail holder. It’s awful.

What is really fucked up is that I keep reaching for my phone, knowing it is not there. It’s like when the power is out and you turn on the bathroom light even though you know the power is out. It’s a learned response and it’s making me sad.

I love you, Veronica Mars (yeah, I named my phone, suck it). Mommy will be home soon.

Danger, it's my Middle Name

Whenever I tell this story I get the same reaction: “Why have you not shared this story with everyone?!” So here it goes:

I crochet, I don’t knit.  There is a distinction but no one is interested in that. I have been crocheting for about 6 years and I have only semi-injured myself once and it was a doozy:

There is a hook used for tapestry crochet that is a good bit longer than most crochet hooks. I don’t use it for tapestry crochet because I don’t know how to tapestry crochet so I use it for every day crocheting. I like the weight to it and I use it a lot.

It was a few months before Christmas when I was fiendishly crocheting to get all my gifts done by Christmas. This didn’t happen, but I tried my best. Since I was out of work, ALL gifts were being made by hand. And I had a lot to get through. So one evening I was home alone and I sat down with an alcoholic beverage and my yarn and hook.

I suppose I need to add here that this wasn’t my first alcoholic beverage of the night, and I can’t exactly tell you if this had anything to do with the events that transpired.  I looked down to refer back to my pattern and BAM! Long, heavy crochet hook right in my left eye.  It wasn’t an eye poke that really hurt or anything it was an eye poke that poked my eye out.

Yes, you read that correctly. The hook hit right underneath my eyeball, in between my eye socket and eye, propelling my eye forward. Not enough to where it was hanging out of my skull or anything, but enough that I could feel that something was wrong. Very, very wrong.

I sat there for a second to process what had happened. I was freaking out for a minute but completely unsure of how bad the damage really was. I got up slowly, like that really mattered, and I walked over to the nearest mirror. It was there I saw that my left eye was poking out ever so slightly. It felt weird and foreign in my head but I thought I was just freaking out since I, you know, poked my eye out. I calmly took my left hand and pushed my eye back into the socket.  It was weird and it gave me the willies for the rest of the night.  After I replaced my eye, I put the yarn and hook down for the rest of the night, Christmas gifts be damned.

This story came to mind yesterday when Garrett, pretending to crochet*, was playing with the tapestry crochet hook when I immediately stopped him and took it from him. He asked why, of course, and I explained to him that I once poked my eye out with that same hook. His response, “Why have you not told me this?!”

* He doesn’t actually want to know how to crochet, he just wants to tell me that what I am doing is wrong. Seriously. He will show me what he is doing, which is nothing, and tell me “See, this isn’t that hard, I can do it.”

FYI: Site Maintenance

Yeah, I just said "Site Maintenance"

I know that no one cares but I will be moving notes from Facebook from time to time here so I can have everything in one place so if you see something you have already read, comment on it anyway.

The mind, it wanders

Okay. My mind is other places right now on other things and venues and what not so here, look at this tree cozy. Yes, you read that correctly, it's a tree cozy. I thought it was cool and it has to do with yarn so that is an automatic love for me. So just look at it. It's pretty and cool and probably something I would get bored and do one day. That might be supremely odd but I can be a little odd at times (a lot of the time). So here you go.

You're welcome.

Asshole Monday: STFU, Facebook!

Hi, Guys! Asshole Monday is back and I am taking EVERYONE out. Myself included.

I don’t do a whole lot during the day which gives me A LOT of time to read blogs.  Between that and Facebook, that is all I do. A few blogs I read:

STFU, Believers

STFU, Conservatives

STFU, Couples

STFU, Parents

All four of these blogs are telling people to Shut The Fuck Up. Most of the time they take screenshots of what people post on Facebook and make fun of them. It’s a genius concept, really, and I am surprised I didn’t think of it.

So in honor of Asshole Monday, I am about to be an asshole. A big one. I apologize (not really) to anyone that I happen to offend but I feel you need to hear this. It’s not that I am a cyber bully, it’s that maybe you people need to know that what you do is annoying. You, as a person aren’t annoying but your typing, is. I am not telling you that you are wrong in what you are doing, I am just telling you that maybe it is annoying to some people and that some people don’t care. Some people being me. I only speak for myself here. Feel free to think poorly of me, I am sure you do already.

DISCLAIMER: I do all sorts of annoying things on Facebook, I know. I am in no way saying I am FB Perfect because I am far, far from it. But this is my blog where I make fun of people. If you want to make fun of me, get your own blog. I can take it.

Checking in – For the love of all that is good in this world, I don’t understand why people do this. Why do you want everyone to know where you are? Especially if you’re at the gas station or in your bed. No. One. Cares.  I am trying to think of a good reason for “checking in” but I can’t think of one. It’s stupid and pointless and again, no one cares. And maybe you’re trying to be the “Mayor” of something on FourSquare or whatever it is. Really? That is the saddest thing I have ever heard. You may want to concentrate on just being the Mayor of having a life. Baby steps.

Fanatical Fans – I don’t really need to know the run down of the game you are watching. If it was that awesome of a game, wait until it is over to post about it. I really don’t need to know the play by play. This is why I don’t watch sports, because I don’t care. And can you really be that into the game if you are posting about it every ten minutes? No. No you can’t. Watch your game and leave the world out of it. Thank you.

OMG! It’s your dog’s birthday – That is crazy that today is your dog’s birthday! Happy birthday, dog! Does your dog have a Facebook? No? Then your dog probably doesn’t care that you friends know about it.

English. Learn it. – Your means it’s yours. You’re means you are. And, please, if you have something to say that is that important, type it all out for fucks sake. Cuz. U. Pls. Lol. Shut the fuck up (STFU).

You worked out today?? - This one is really more personal than anything…when you post about how much you have exercised, it makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit, which, admittedly, I am. I won’t bitch about this too much as you are basically just posting how worthless you are not and, in theory, I applaud that. So yeah, moving on…

All right, now its time for some tough love. Have a seat. This may hurt. I apologize now (I don’t) if it offends you (it shouldn’t).

Emotional Garbage – I have had one of the shittiest, piss poor years of my 29 years on this earth. The worst. It has been hard and sucked giant balls. I talked about with family and real-life friends and people that know me very well personally and I got through it eventually. But you know what I didn’t do? Post it on Facebook.

I talked to a real person when I needed to talk. I drank with real people when I needed a drink. I cried and bitched and complained to a corporeal human. I saved my mess from the 200+ people that I hardly know on a social networking site where people post progress of their imaginary farms. I am truly sorry for you if things have gone wrong in your life. I am. And, hey, if you need to talk, send me a message. I’d be happy to listen. But keep it off your statuses, man.

Did you just get dumped? That sucks but maybe you got dumped because you constantly posted about your declining relationship on Facebook for all the world to see. Did your good friend stab you in the back? That is the worst, but maybe you weren’t that good of a friend if you are going to post about how shitty your ex-friends were. Maybe take a gander at how much you suck before you put everyone else on notice about how shitty they are, yes?

The Kid Profile Pic - Sometimes I get on Facebook and I take a gander at the News Feed and I think to myself, “Why the fuck am I friends with so many toddlers???” And then I realize, “Oh, right. People have children but no self identity.” This is a pet peeve of mine.  I post pictures of children on Facebook all the time and know that if I am friends with you and you have a super cute kid, I am going to look at your kids pictures. Underneath my thick skin, lies a girl that loves to look at cute babies. I have nothing against posting pictures of your children on Facebook. I do it all the time and they aren’t even my kids.

Here is where my issues lies: You are not your children. You have your own identity. Where is your face in your profile pic? Where is it? I know you love your kids, and you love to show them off but, hey, show yourself off too! You’re still a cool, worthwhile person. Put YOUR face up there. I would like to see YOU. Let’s see what you’re doing. Maybe include your kid in your profile pic so it’s the both of you. Just a suggestion.  Also…

I love scenery. I love to look at it just as much as the next person. But I don’t love to look at it so much that when I peek in on the News Feed and I see that an autumn meadow is gearing up for Friday night. Really Autumn Meadow? Are you going to get buck with your leaves and your squirrels? There was line an episode of Community that went something like this “Hey! I am not self involved. My Facebook Profile pic is meadow!” This doesn’t make you deep or non-self involved, it makes you stupid.  

OMG I’m SO BUSY! - You have a busy life, I get it. Props to you. You have to do the laundry and pick up the kids and make cookies and dinner and service your significant other. Bravo. You have a busy ass life. But are you really that busy if you take the time to post about it and reply to comments? The amount of time it takes to post a Facebook status is the same amount of time it takes to put a load in the washing machine. I swear. Time yourself. You could have gotten one thing done if you didn’t take the time out to let the world know about your chores.

And I realize that having a lot of kids is probably insane. You have to take them places and keep yourself from going crazy. But maybe don’t have so many of those kids if you are going to bitch about it constantly to the world? I applaud any parent that can take care of any amount of children. Be it one or five. But you had them. You made that choice so maybe give your kids and the Facebook world a break and shut up about it. Maybe you could be a more effective parent if you didn’t allot so much time to complain about the live you chose on Facebook?

There are many, many things that also annoy me that I didn’t go into here: constant posting about how good God is, posting every shit you take (I’m looking at you, Stovall), posting how drunk you are, posting about the weather when everyone can obviously see what the weather is doing, etc, etc. But I look past those when I realize that not everyone is as funny or as inventive as I am.

And I know it is your Facebook. You can post whatever the fuck you want to. Knock yourself out. But just know that the majority of the time…no one cares. At all. I am doing a public service, really.

Now let’s see how many people have unfriended me…

Quickie

Make it go AWAY!

To answer a question I have gotten a few times from a few people that know my love for over-the-top gory, terrible movies including but not limited to; The Final Destination 1 – 4, Wrong Turn, Cabin Fever, Zombie Strippers, Slither, Feast, Planet Terror, etc…

No, I have absolutely NO desire to see The Human Centipede. Just thinking about it gives me the willies. I can’t see a trailer, movie poster, whatever for that movie and not be completely grossed out and terrified for humankind. Not to mention befuddled at the kind of person that can even think up a movie like that. Keep that movie as far away from me as possible and never, ever mention its existence to me again. Please!

I am squirming in my seat just thinking about it.

Oh to be young and really stupid again...

Saturday I attended a 16-year-old’s birthday party. My good friend and former boss’ daughter Miranda turned Sweet 16. Fun was had by all but it made me feel a little old and a lot nostalgic. 

It’s pretty sad when you aren’t exactly sure how to act at a party when no one around you is drinking.  After a few minutes, Kim and I looked at each other like, “Why is no one talking or acting like an idiot???” And it dawned on us, “Ohhhhh, they are all 16. They can’t drink yet in front of adults. Makes sense.”

I can’t honestly tell you what parties were like when I was 16 as I didn’t attend that many. But I am pretty sure the ones I did attend were broken up by the Bartlett police minutes after arriving. And I am pretty sure that was protocol with all high school parties around the globe.

To me, partying when I was sixteen only consisted of a few things:

Falling asleep on Rachel’s couch after school while she ate Patio burritos and plain avocados while watching Bone Thugs N Harmony videos.

Riding around Davies Plantation in the ‘lude drinking wine coolers and listening to Foolish Games (Jewel, recognize) - I can’t really tell you why we thought it was a good idea to not only drink in a moving vehicle but to drive around a pricey subdivision and look at houses that none of us would ever live in. One night in particular, we had gone to see I Know What You Did Last Summer and then we went driving around the dark streets of Davies with our Bartles and James. We were pretty sure we were about to hit a dude with the car, stuff him in the trunk of Tish’s Prelude and then bury him in the pond at Yale Road Park.

Doing “drive bys” - What was that about? Why drive by someone’s house? What was the point? Plus I always got busted, especially if I was with Tish.

For me, that was about the extent of my 16-year-old partying.

I know my 16^th Birthday consisted of a sleepover and a Minnie Mouse ice cream cake. So baller. And I am pretty sure someone’s house was rolled.

Why is it that my house always got rolled way more than other peoples? I am going to blame this on my sister.

Christy is four years older than me. She wasn’t in high school when I finally got there but I was still left with her unfortunate legacy. I say unfortunate because every female seemed to hate her (haters gonna hate) and they then took that hatred out on me. I never did anything to anyone, yet the classy girls at the BHS always wanted to beat me up. I hardly ever opened my mouth in high school, yet bitches wanted to beat me down. I still don’t get it, but I digress…

Obviously they didn’t really know Christy or myself since we are absolutely nothing alike save for our high self esteems and hair color. That is all, though. We could not be any more different. My dad would always say, “I don’t know where one of you came from,” and now I don’t either. But anyway, I had a point…

Rolling. I know kids still do this since I have seen houses in the ‘ville that have been recently rolled. It’s good to see old traditions still alive in today’s youth.  Why is low-key vandalism so fun? I would do it now but I’d probably be asleep by the time the rolling hour came to be.

I think the last time I rolled a house was in college and it was the Pike house. That shit was awesome. It was Candice’s birthday and we were all drunk off Kool-Aid and vodka. 

I really want to roll someone now…

Weirdest Girl in the World

So today IT was at my desk and I was just hanging out, being my usual self and, while I know that I am not completely hilarious (even though I am) I kinda wanted to tap an invisible mic and ask, “Is this thing on?”

There is a big transition when trying to ease people into your weirdness at work. I was at BPI for 10+ years and everyone knew me. I would walk into to work in leg warmers and a Goonies t-shirt and no one would bat an eye. That was just me, an inappropriate for work/ age dresser. If I did that here, I am not sure how they would all take it.

Don’t get me wrong. Everyone here is pretty cool and laid back. I like everyone that I have worked with so far.  It seems like a free to be you and me environment. But that doesn’t mean that they don’t think I am super weird.

I have saved the ridiculous work outfits for further on down the road, if ever, I just don’t think they are ready for all of that just yet. But there are some things that are harder to hide.

Por ejemplo: The day that I was bored out of my skull and had nothing to do, I was reading a book. Dark Moon Rising  by Jonathan Maberry. It’s a science fiction book about zombies and vampires and a super creepy town. So I got the question “What are you reading?”

I don’t know why but I was little embarrassed about coming clean about the book. I wasn’t embarrassed to be reading the book but when someone asks you what you are reading they usually follow that question with “What is it about?” And then I would have to go into it, “Uhhh, it’s about a werewolf that died 30 years ago and came back to life in the soulless bodies of the undead and this wicked evil vampire cokehead,” that description is going to get a few side-eyes for sure.

Also, there doesn’t seem to be a tattoo policy here. For the first few months I kept them all covered just in case but now they might peek out from a shirt or something and I don’t go out of my way to hide them. I have seen people all over this building with highly visible tattoos so I take that as a “they don’t care” so I show mine with no issue. Explaining them, however, is a little different.  Especially when everyone I work is at least 10 years older than me if not 20 or 30 and have never had a tattoo in their life.

So when I explain to them that, yes, that is a skull with a “dad” banner they just kind of look at me like I just explained my recent alien anal probe and they go on about their business. And people always ask when I say it is a day of the dead skull, “Oh, I am sorry, did your dad pass away?” And then I have to explain, “No, he just likes skulls.”

If I could just find a way to divulge NO personal information to anyone until they know me well enough, that would be great.

I am not friends with any of them on Facebook but I have shown them pictures of the boys and such on my FB and in doing that, they saw the purple hair. It was brought up, “Is your hair…purple…in that picture?” They then ask if that was for a Halloween costume or if it was spray in or something and I have to explain, “No, no. I just wanted purple hair. It was permanent and I had it for about a year.” And in response I usually get a confused, “Okay?”

And, thankfully, no one has asked what kind of movies I like. I am pretty sure I would confuse and possibly frighten every one of them.

How do you get new people accustomed to your weirdness? Maybe I need to win them all over with baked goods?

Gah, getting to know people is the worst.

Read a Book = Get Laid (Scientific Fact)

I'm pretty sure Lavar Burton crushed major ass back in the day

With the new year (I know I am about 2 months early on this, but stick with me, I am going somewhere with this) comes a whole new set of new shit. It’s no surprise that 2010 sucked giant sweaty zombie balls for me. It surely did and I am happy to see it go and welcome the new year with open arms. Will 2011 be just as suck ass? Who the hell knows, that is why it is a NEW year. Duhz!

Anyhoo, everyone go here.

Thank you.

Pajiba is one of my favoritest websites of all time. I have been an avid Pajiba fan since I found it back in 2007ish.

A few years ago they started Cannonball Read. You can see the list of rules and why this whole thing was started here.

Initially they did 100 books in a year and it has since been knocked down to a more manageable 52. That is one book a week. I think I can do it. I am pretty sure I can do it. Can I do it?

I tried to do it the first time around with the 100 books. I did pretty well and I think I stopped at 12 books in about 6 weeks. I cannot remember why I didn’t finish but that doesn’t matter now. What matters is…I’m going to tackle this bitch just to prove to myself that I can do it.

It’s a totally cool way of getting like-minded smart reading people reading books. It’s the Catalina Wine Mixer of reading, really. It is THAT cool.  I have always been a huge book nerd and I am pretty sure I have 52 books sitting on a shelf right now that haven’t been read so I should be all set.  Are you???

If anyone out there with free time who loves to read would like to join in, I say “come, go.” We can do this together. We are all in this together (you just got High School Musicaled).

Why am I posting this on my blog you ask? You read a book a week (if you are doing the full cannonball which is what I am attempting) and you review that book on your blog. If you are lucky and your review doesn’t totally suck, it will then be posted on Pajiba. You see? It has been my lifelong dream (since 2007) to be a blogger on Pajiba. Yes, my dreams are small. So I will be posting my reviews of the books I choose to read on this here blog for all to read and enjoy and maybe for one of you non-illteriate assholes to go out and read the same book. Or any book, really. Just read. It’s all I am demanding asking.

I am also taking recommendations. Woohoo! So you can leave them here in the comments section, email them to me hello.stacey@gmail.com or leave them on my Facebook. I will take any recommendations WITHIN REASON. As in, I am not reading War and Peace. I am sure it is a real page-turner and all that but let’s keep it to a manageable number of pages, people.

It is a scientific fact (it’s probably not but it might be) that reading makes you smarter. Being smart makes you instantly more likeable to members of the opposite (or same) sex. Being more likeable and smart gives you a far, far better chance of getting some form of action in the boudoir (or backseat or airport restroom or wherever). So, in turn, reading gets you laid. It’s true because I just said it. So read a book for the betterment of your junk. I find dudes who read attractive, I’m just saying.

I know I am posting this way early but I feel I should give everyone some time to think about it. You have less than two months to get your shit together if you choose to. If you do, I will be more than happy to post your reviews on here or at least let everyone know what you are reading and whether or not you liked it. This also gives you time to sike yourself up for this awesomesauce challenge. Do it. You know you want to.

You SO want to.

Collierville: Keeping My Clothes On...sort of

Ok. I get this question a lot “What is it like living in Collierville?”

I am not sure if people mean, “What is it like living in the town of Collierville,” or “What is it like living with your sister and her family?” It could go either way, really. So, I will use this here blog to answer these questions from time to time. I will tell you my experiences in both living in the uppity (in my eyes at least) town of Collierville and in living with my sister and her family. I will start with the latter:

Back story: David and I separated in February and since Mississippi and I have never  been BFFs, I chose to leave. I had no job and very little money at the time so my options were slim. Well, I really didn’t have any other option than to live with my parents.  This would have been fine if my sister, her husband and her two children weren’t living with my parents as well. That’s seven people living under one roof.

To say that this wasn’t an ideal living arrangement is an understatement (one day I will speak of this experience but today is not that day). I love my family as much as the next person but living with all of them in a normal sized home is a bit much, especially when you share a bathroom with four other people, one of whom is your brother in law.

I’m not speaking of his bathroom habits, I have no clue of what those are and I don’t want to know, but there was always the threat of walking in on a naked Ron which was not something that I wanted to do. Ever.

It almost happened once. It was early in the morning something happened, pretty sure it was due to a loud child waking up, and pretty much everyone was woken up. I got up to pee and as I opened the bathroom door, I heard a hurried “waitaminute!” it was Ron who ALSO got up to pee. The light was off and I didn’t see him and I was half asleep so I didn’t hear him either. Can you imagine the awkwardness if I had walked into the potty room and damn near rubbed asses with my brother in law while he was taking an early morning pee?

I then learned to always, ALWAYS ask “Do you have clothes on?” or, “Is anyone in here?” before walking into a room. You have to. The awkward possibilities are endless.

This got me through the months in Bartlett with no incidences to speak of, thankfully.

Then we moved to Collierville. I didn’t have to share a bathroom anymore! I got my own bathroom…sort of. My bathroom is also the same one the boys use. The only issue I have with this is the constant threat of sitting on/ stepping in of urine. Besides that,  the only downside is I have to walk down the hall to get there.

I don’t sleep with clothes on. I am not saying this to sound sexy or provocative or to invoke any form of pornographic images, I just get hot (temperature wise). It’s as simple as that. So when I wake up in the middle of the night in nothing but underwear and I have to pee, I have to weigh out the options in my head, “Okay, I can just go for it and hope that Ron, too, didn’t wake up to pee at 3:33 in the morning, or I can put on my Super Hero Squad t-shirt from earlier, pull it down over my ass and run to the bathroom…hmmm….”  I usually, lazily go for the former. Do you know how annoying it to wake up the middle of the night and get dressed? It’s the pits, really. So I usually just throw my arms around myself and hope for the best. I’m a gambling man.

Some of you may be asking yourself “So you, like, don’t care if the boys see you naked???”  The answer is no, but I probably should.

I am sure that all the parents who read this know that kids don’t respect boundaries or privacy. Unless the door is locked, they are coming in whether you are clothed, naked or mid-coitus. They don’t give a fuck about their parent’s privacy or their personal space and since I am sort of a half-ass parent figure, they don’t care about mine either. They will open the shower door to ask you where their red Power Ranger is. They will barge in while you are changing to show you the new level they achieved on Call of Duty (yes, they play Call of Duty). They will have a seat on the toilet while you are taking a bath and carry on a conversation with you about Nerf guns, and then when they are done they will leave the room to get their Nerf gun and then shoot you with it. All of these things have happened to me within the past few months. I have tried to shield them from my nudity but it’s impossible so I gave up a long time ago. Yeah, it’s a little fucked up but what are you going to do?

I’m sorry did you just say keep the door locked? Let me break it down for you what happens when I lock the door: Kid knocks/ bangs on the door until I answer. If I say “Give me a minute, I am changing,” they wait two seconds and then bang on the door again. You repeat yourself again and again and they just keep on banging until finally you are screaming at the top of your lungs, “LOOK! I WILL OPEN THE DOOR WHEN I AM FINISHED! GIVE ME A MINUTE! GOH!” they then start crying and you are left incredulous at yourself for consoling this asshole kid when all you wanted was five minutes to yourself to change out of your work underwear. So, yeah, locking the door is more work than it is worth.

Do they see their mother naked? All the damn time. All you have to do to see Christy naked is to open your eyes and there she is. I don’t know of one of my friends that have met my sister, male and female, that haven’t seen her naked. Her nudity has decreased, however, with the invention of the robe but I probably see a full-blown nipple at least once a week.

I am sure the day will come when the entirety of the Prewitt family will have seen me nekkid and the awkwardness in that house will live on until I move out. And when that day comes know that I will never, ever leave my room.

Dumbass Monday: 25 Hours in a Day

Drunk blogging. It’s a bang-up idea, really.

So Daylight Savings was yesterday and we were supposed to “fall back” as they say so we gained an hour of sleep which we will then lose in spring when we “spring forward.” Falling back always reminds me of a story that I am going to share with you all now.

This is Monday so I should be doing Asshole Monday, but I don’t have any assholes to talk about today, but I do have a Dumbass. So, Dumbass Monday this will be.

Okay so I was a sophomore in High School and I was dating a senior. This “relationship” lasted about two weeks as all of my high school relationships did. We were dating in the fall, obviously, when we were on the phone one night talking about whatever the fuck it is that stupid kids talked about back in the day. I will not tell you who this person was. You can figure it out on your own (or you can ask me personally).

I remember we had just fallen back a couple of nights before and something was said about the time change.

I, for one, have always loved daylight savings. I love it when it gets dark at 5:00 and I love cold weather. I welcome it all with open arms. This dude felt the same way about fall and he said this: “Yeah I really need that extra hour in the fall, I’m always so tired in the spring when we go back to 24 hours.”

Me being a 15-year-old girl, I didn’t call him out for being one of the dumbest people alive. I am pretty sure I just changed the subject to…who the hell knows.

But, seriously high school senior, do you honestly think that starting in the fall there are 25 hours in the day? Have you ever seen a 13 o’clock? I am wondering, with him being 31 now and possibly having a child or two, does he still think this? Has no one ever corrected him of this ridiculousness?

What I SHOULD have said to him, had I been as vocal about everything as I am now is this: “You are one of the dumbest people have that I have ever known. Are you for real with this? Why am I even still speaking to a water-head retard such as yourself? Excuse me while I take my super young hot ass elsewhere.”

Because I mean, really. Going back to 24 hours???  The educational system of Bartlett, and I am going to say his parents as well, failed this idiot a long, long time ago.

25 hours in a day…bitch, please.

Alright, seriously

I'm drunkish. Who the living GD hell is anonymous?! For reals. Insane I am going.

Guest Blogger: Daniel Price

Daniel is appearing as a guest blogger today on the ole Inconsequential Garbage. Welcome him with open arms and comments. I have no idea what this says since today is a very rare day that I am busy so I haven’t had the chance to read this to give it my two cents.

Anyway, here is Daniel!

Not Helen Hunt

After the Rally in D.C., when we were back in the hotel room, the movie Cast Away was on TV and it spawned this conversation/debate between me, my wife, and our friend Gregg.

In Cast Away, Tom Hanks is a FedEx employee who has been in a long-term relationship with Helen Hunt. They're not married yet, only engaged, but they're madly in love. Anyway, he has to leave one night and his plane crashes and he washes up on a deserted island all alone. Long story short, he spends 4 years on the island. During that time, the only things that keep him company are a volleyball he names Wilson and a picture of Helen Hunt.

Blah-blah-blah he gets rescued and returns to civilization after 4 years to a hero's welcome. Now, during that time, Helen Hunt has gotten married to another man. And hey, who could blame her? She thought Hanks was dead. It'd been 4 freakin' years. So she moved on, got married, and had a kid. And her husband doesn't seem like a bad guy. He's just a dude. They didn't turn him into a villain or anything. She's got a nice family and nice life now.

Anyway, so here Tom Hanks comes floating back into existence and throws her whole shit out of wack, right? He shows up at her house after his rescue and it's awkward like farting in church because she's moved on and really, his love for her was all that sustained him on the island. Fucked up, no?

Well he goes to leave and I guess that moment of awkwardness breaks and she runs out and catches him in the street in the pouring rain, and gives him this crazy passionate "oh my god, I love you so much" kiss.

Watching the movie, at this point, you're like "YES! Hell yeah, Tom!!" But then, she has to go back home. She has a husband and a kid and a life that she can't just abandon. I get it, although it's heartbreaking to watch. So she goes away and a few minutes later, the movie ends.

Oh, by the way, spoiler alert. If you haven't seen the movie, don't read those last few paragraphs.

My question: let's assume Helen Hunt's new husband was looking out the window and he saw his wife making out with Tom Hanks in the street in the pouring rain. Does he have a right to be upset?

On one hand, hey...his wife is kissing another man. Not to mention, it's the lost love of her life. If you saw your wife making out with an ex-boyfriend, you get pissed right?

On the other hand...there are extenuating circumstances here. She has spent 4 years thinking he was dead. She's been emotionally fistfucked. And in the end, she chose to stay with her current husband.

If you're the husband, is this divorce-worthy? Or even argument-worthy? Or do you just sit back and say "Okay, given the circumstances, this is forgivable. I won't even say anything." But if that's what you do....doesn't it still nag at you a little?

Debate amongst yourselves.

Wad. It was shot.

I have nothing of value (ha) to post today. I have shot my wad on two huge posts this week so I am taking the day off.

I would like to apologize now to anyone who took the time to read the Halloween post. There were a flobbity jillion spelling/ typing/ grammar errors in it. I look like a blind deaf retard and I aplogize. I would say that it will never happen again,  but you know it will. But anyhoo, sorry.

And since my creativity wad was effectively shot this week, I am providing you with this via The Chive .

You are so welcome.

Make Awkward Sexual Advances, Not War

So many carbs!

 Since I have since gotten cable in my room (mom totally told me if I did all my chores and said “please” and “thank you” I could get it!) I have basically been watching a lot of Comedy Central.

Because of this, I have gotten into the routine of watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. It is the only news that I watch. This past weekend the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear was held at the National Mall in D.C. (stands for Da Capital). I kinda wanted to go, but due to being a broke ass bitch, I couldn’t. It was broadcast live on Comedy Central and I watched it but I am sure it wasn’t the same.

To me, it looked like a bunch of like minded people just hanging out and enjoying each other’s company but, again, I wasn’t there so what do I know? But, I know someone who was there! Enter: Daniel Price.

I am sure most of you know who Daniel is from Facebook or from real life. We have been friends for years and he is a super cool, smart dude. Daniel went to the Rally with his wife, Lisa. I had a lot of questions for Daniel and I thought, “Maybe other people are curious as to what went down as well???” So, I conducted an interview. Not a real interview. Daniel suggested that we meet for drinks (Daniel is lame and rarely drinks so he would be drinking water while watching me drink, it’s not as fun as it sounds) and I could ask him my questions there.  He didn’t take into account that I would have to like record and transcribe his answers into blog form which, though I love him and respect what he has to say, I wasn’t about to do all that. There is a reason I am not using my journalism degree. So this interview took place via back and forth email, the way professionals do it.

So here you go. Like I said, Daniel is smart, he uses correct grammar and spelling. He is also very funny and charming so you should enjoy what he has to say. Here you go, readers!

I was told those didn't exist

I have tens of tens of readers out there, some of them may not know you. Tell us a little about yourself so we can get a better feel about a person that went to the Rally. Your political views, your religious views, your favorite cereal, etc.

Fuck, really?  Umm...I'm sickeningly liberal about social issues, but I still don't identify with most Democrats (I just see them generally as the lesser of two evils amongst the two parties).  Politically, I think this country was bought and sold years ago and we can vote every couple of years, but all we're doing is shuffling the same two piles of shit back and forth.  Until we get away from a special-interest controlled two-party system, nothing will ever change substantially.

Religious views?  None.  Atheist, I guess, although I don't like applying a labels to shit like that.  But if you insist on having a name for not believing in shit, it's as good as any.  Science > religion.

And finally, I love so many cereals. Fruity Pebbles and Cinnamon Toast Crunch would be the top two, although fuck you if you make me choose between them.

The Dude abides

I would never! On the Daily Show Monday, Jon said something along the lines of everyone picked up after themselves which I found pretty fitting because there had to be a lot of hippies there that were all, “Don’t litter!” So how many hippies were there? Yes, this is a question I have been wanting to ask for days. I was actually going to text you Saturday while you were there with “So how many hippies are there?”

Well, depends on how you define hippies.  If you're talking about long-haired, peace-sign waving, unbathing free-lovers...didn't see many, if any.  But if you mean people like us, tattooed up liberal 20-somethings, then yeah there were tons.

But the litter thing was all because of the charity.  All the merch sold for the Sanity-part of the rally went to the Trust for the National Mall, which is a big organization that works to keep the place beautiful and all that.  And he made mention a couple of times to pick up your trash and it was amazing.  As we were leaving, everyone....200,000+ people....was carrying their trash to the proper bins and picking up bottles and shit.  I was blown away and super proud.

But no, no tie-dyed 1960s hippies that I saw.

Spelling does cunt

Yeah, that is pretty much what I meant, hippies like you and me. Modern day hippies, if you will. I have seen a lot of super cool signs from the Rally, I am pretty sure you didn’t make one, but if you had, what would it have said? And what was your favorite sign?

Funny story, I actually made a list of my favorite signs.  As I was there, during the hours before the show started, every time I saw a sign I liked, I wrote it down in my phone.  As such, I have an awesome list:

- Give Me Doritos or Give Me Death!

- Obama: pro-raptor?

- Be Excellent To Each Other

- Ruly Mob

- Beck is Voldemort

- Make Awkward Sexual Advances, Not War

- I Came Here Illegally. I Went 5mph Over the Speed Limit on I-95

- Free Hugs from a Militant Atheist with a Gay Agenda.

- The Civil War Was An Inside Job

- He's Black, Get Over It!

- This Sign Contains Correct Grammar & Spelling

- Facebook is Socialism

- I'm Perturbed As Heck, and I'm Not Going to Take It Much Longer

- Helvetica is a Boring Font

- I Have A Really Big Sign

- Sarah Palin Can See This Rally From Her House

- Let's Drink Till We Agree

- Vote Steve Holt!

- Tea Parties Are For Mad Hatters

- God Hates Signs

- Decaf Party

- Moderation or Death! Or cake.

- Spread Peanut Butter Not Hate

- Down With Zippers

- Deport Bears

- Think Outside the Fox

- The Only Thing To Fear Is Gay Atheist Immigrant Socialist Bears

- Fight Truth Decay

- Bring Arrested Development Back, Obama!

- Muggles For Tolerance

- BIG TEXT EXCLAMATION MARK

- Oppressed White People

- Legalize Marijuana (quickly, before they search my fanny pack)

- Things Are Pretty OK

- Glitterbomb the Terrorists

- Mmmmmm Clooney...

- Your sign TL;DR

- C-C-C-Combobreaker!

- Legalize Meth

- Jon, Will You Gay Marry Me?

- Down With Otters

Anyway, if I had made my own sign, it would have been "I Was Told There'd Be Cake."

This guy gets it

STEVE HOLT! Good stuff, and thank you for writing everything down in anticipation for this interview! (note: Daniel had no clue this interview was going down until Tuesday night) Speaking of marijuana, how much of the pot did you smell in your time at the Rally? There had to be a lot.

Three times!  I specifically remember three instances where me and the people around me all looked at each other, sniffed the air, and said "Yup.  Somebody's blazin'."

There were also the mandatory Legalize Pot signs, including one that said "fWEEDom!" which I found adorable and another that an old man was carrying that said "Former CIA analyst for legalization of marijuana" or something like that.

You gotta love potheads. You just do. They are so laid back and they always have the best candy and snacks.  Insert appropriate segue way here, I know you are  fan of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report so I know that is how you heard about the rally and I am sure part of the reason that you wanted to go. But why else did you want to go to the Rally? What prompted you to say, “You know what, I am going to attend this bitch”?

Not-really-that-serious answer: it looked like fun.  It's safe to say they'll never hold another rally ever again.  This was the pinnacle of the Daily Show/Colbert Report and it'll probably be the defining moment of Jon Stewart's career (since he got most of the credit).  When he dies, the rally will be mentioned in his obituary.  So that was part of it: just the fact that I knew it would be huge and historic.  And fun.  And also, because I had always wanted to go to D.C. because I'm an American history buff.  I read a really cool book about the Lincoln assassination a few months ago called Manhunt and really wanted to check out where he was killed and shit like that.

More serious answer: the message of it really hits home to me.  Stewart's right: the media (especially Fox News, but all the rest too) tend to crank up the fear mongering and extremism because that gets ratings. Truth is, most Americans aren't psychopaths who are screaming in the street for Obama's head or Bush's head.  But those are the people who's voices get heard and that's the media's fault.  I just wanted to go to kinda reassure myself that not all of America is batshit fucking insane because I was starting to worry that they were.  So to see that many people in one place, all being polite and reasonable to each other, even if they disagreed...it was pretty neat to know that still exists, despite what the 24-hour news networks try to say.

Right on, man. Free to be you and me. I get it. Did you meet any super interesting people? Was everyone super friendly?

Yes, tons of nice people!  The entire time I was in D.C., not one person was remotely rude, and especially at the Rally.  The people we were sitting with had these little chairs they brought with them and when me and Lisa were bitching about our legs and feet hurting, they offered to let us use their chairs and shit.  Just stuff like that.  Every time you got in the crowd, it was all "Pardon me, sorry.  Oh hi.  Where are you from?  Tennessee?  Nice.  We're from Colorado." or whatever.  Just the friendliest crowd ever.

Crazy people....I saw some crazy costumes.  Flying spaghetti monster being the best, but there were two guys dressed as Mexicans in sombreros and ponchos going around like "I'm gonna steal all your jobs!  Your job?  Mine!  Your job?  Mine too!" and shit.  Pretty amusing.  Colbert had told everyone to dress as their worst fear and encouraged crazy racist stereotypes like that so it was hilarious.

Craziest person I saw was the day before the rally.  Crazy old man in Superman underwear ranting and raving about Obama.  I've got it on video but I haven't uploaded it yet.  But I will....sooooon.... (UPDATE: YouTube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETnNaEW6mQs )

Hands across Americaaaaaa…Okay so Jon Stewart’s speech was amazing. I actually cried but I am odd and I cry for no reason a lot of the time. What was your take on it? Did you or Lisa cry?

My take on it is essentially...."Nailed it."  In a matter of minutes, his speech managed to say everything I've ever thought about the media divide in our country but never had the ability to put the words together in such a powerful way.

Lisa is very unpolitical and unpatriotic in general.  She mostly was going because I wanted to go.  She doesn't follow politics or media shit much and she doesn't really give a shit one way or the other what our government does so long as they don't hurt kittens.  So I think she was kind of indifferent to it, although she at least acted like she enjoyed it I guess.

I, on the other hand, was INSANELY moved.  Not to the point of tears because I'm too manly and strong for such things...but seriously, I've never felt more patriotic and proud to be an American in my entire life.  It was an incredible speech and it does make me get a little misty-eyed when I think of it.

So how big was that Stephen Colbert Fear Monster thing? It looked huge and a little scary, which I am pretty sure was the point.

It was pretty damn big.  I'd say a good 30 feet tall, with arms longer than that.  It looked pretty awesome.

This interview is cool, I feel famous.

That is what I am here for, buddy, to make everyone famous. I share the wealth, I’m a democrat! I am pretty sure I am out of questions and I won’t think of any more until days later when I am drunk or something so is there anything else you would like to add about the Rally? Thoughts? Concerns? Food?

Food would be awesome...

Nothing else to add, other than I must insist that this blog's millions of fans need to go to Washington D.C.  Even if there's not a rally, the city and the monuments are beautiful, the museums kick ass, and it's just a really interesting place to be.

Seacrest out!

So there you have it, people. I hope you enjoyed one Memphian’s tale of the Rally to Restore Sanity. He will be posting a blog on Facebook about it later that I am going to repost here if anyone is interested in reading it.

And thank you, Daniel! You’re the bomb.com