Asshole Monday: STFU, Facebook!

Hi, Guys! Asshole Monday is back and I am taking EVERYONE out. Myself included.

I don’t do a whole lot during the day which gives me A LOT of time to read blogs.  Between that and Facebook, that is all I do. A few blogs I read:

STFU, Believers

STFU, Conservatives

STFU, Couples

STFU, Parents

All four of these blogs are telling people to Shut The Fuck Up. Most of the time they take screenshots of what people post on Facebook and make fun of them. It’s a genius concept, really, and I am surprised I didn’t think of it.

So in honor of Asshole Monday, I am about to be an asshole. A big one. I apologize (not really) to anyone that I happen to offend but I feel you need to hear this. It’s not that I am a cyber bully, it’s that maybe you people need to know that what you do is annoying. You, as a person aren’t annoying but your typing, is. I am not telling you that you are wrong in what you are doing, I am just telling you that maybe it is annoying to some people and that some people don’t care. Some people being me. I only speak for myself here. Feel free to think poorly of me, I am sure you do already.

DISCLAIMER: I do all sorts of annoying things on Facebook, I know. I am in no way saying I am FB Perfect because I am far, far from it. But this is my blog where I make fun of people. If you want to make fun of me, get your own blog. I can take it.

Checking in – For the love of all that is good in this world, I don’t understand why people do this. Why do you want everyone to know where you are? Especially if you’re at the gas station or in your bed. No. One. Cares.  I am trying to think of a good reason for “checking in” but I can’t think of one. It’s stupid and pointless and again, no one cares. And maybe you’re trying to be the “Mayor” of something on FourSquare or whatever it is. Really? That is the saddest thing I have ever heard. You may want to concentrate on just being the Mayor of having a life. Baby steps.

Fanatical Fans – I don’t really need to know the run down of the game you are watching. If it was that awesome of a game, wait until it is over to post about it. I really don’t need to know the play by play. This is why I don’t watch sports, because I don’t care. And can you really be that into the game if you are posting about it every ten minutes? No. No you can’t. Watch your game and leave the world out of it. Thank you.

OMG! It’s your dog’s birthday – That is crazy that today is your dog’s birthday! Happy birthday, dog! Does your dog have a Facebook? No? Then your dog probably doesn’t care that you friends know about it.

English. Learn it. – Your means it’s yours. You’re means you are. And, please, if you have something to say that is that important, type it all out for fucks sake. Cuz. U. Pls. Lol. Shut the fuck up (STFU).

You worked out today?? - This one is really more personal than anything…when you post about how much you have exercised, it makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit, which, admittedly, I am. I won’t bitch about this too much as you are basically just posting how worthless you are not and, in theory, I applaud that. So yeah, moving on…

All right, now its time for some tough love. Have a seat. This may hurt. I apologize now (I don’t) if it offends you (it shouldn’t).

Emotional Garbage – I have had one of the shittiest, piss poor years of my 29 years on this earth. The worst. It has been hard and sucked giant balls. I talked about with family and real-life friends and people that know me very well personally and I got through it eventually. But you know what I didn’t do? Post it on Facebook.

I talked to a real person when I needed to talk. I drank with real people when I needed a drink. I cried and bitched and complained to a corporeal human. I saved my mess from the 200+ people that I hardly know on a social networking site where people post progress of their imaginary farms. I am truly sorry for you if things have gone wrong in your life. I am. And, hey, if you need to talk, send me a message. I’d be happy to listen. But keep it off your statuses, man.

Did you just get dumped? That sucks but maybe you got dumped because you constantly posted about your declining relationship on Facebook for all the world to see. Did your good friend stab you in the back? That is the worst, but maybe you weren’t that good of a friend if you are going to post about how shitty your ex-friends were. Maybe take a gander at how much you suck before you put everyone else on notice about how shitty they are, yes?

The Kid Profile Pic - Sometimes I get on Facebook and I take a gander at the News Feed and I think to myself, “Why the fuck am I friends with so many toddlers???” And then I realize, “Oh, right. People have children but no self identity.” This is a pet peeve of mine.  I post pictures of children on Facebook all the time and know that if I am friends with you and you have a super cute kid, I am going to look at your kids pictures. Underneath my thick skin, lies a girl that loves to look at cute babies. I have nothing against posting pictures of your children on Facebook. I do it all the time and they aren’t even my kids.

Here is where my issues lies: You are not your children. You have your own identity. Where is your face in your profile pic? Where is it? I know you love your kids, and you love to show them off but, hey, show yourself off too! You’re still a cool, worthwhile person. Put YOUR face up there. I would like to see YOU. Let’s see what you’re doing. Maybe include your kid in your profile pic so it’s the both of you. Just a suggestion.  Also…

I love scenery. I love to look at it just as much as the next person. But I don’t love to look at it so much that when I peek in on the News Feed and I see that an autumn meadow is gearing up for Friday night. Really Autumn Meadow? Are you going to get buck with your leaves and your squirrels? There was line an episode of Community that went something like this “Hey! I am not self involved. My Facebook Profile pic is meadow!” This doesn’t make you deep or non-self involved, it makes you stupid.  

OMG I’m SO BUSY! - You have a busy life, I get it. Props to you. You have to do the laundry and pick up the kids and make cookies and dinner and service your significant other. Bravo. You have a busy ass life. But are you really that busy if you take the time to post about it and reply to comments? The amount of time it takes to post a Facebook status is the same amount of time it takes to put a load in the washing machine. I swear. Time yourself. You could have gotten one thing done if you didn’t take the time out to let the world know about your chores.

And I realize that having a lot of kids is probably insane. You have to take them places and keep yourself from going crazy. But maybe don’t have so many of those kids if you are going to bitch about it constantly to the world? I applaud any parent that can take care of any amount of children. Be it one or five. But you had them. You made that choice so maybe give your kids and the Facebook world a break and shut up about it. Maybe you could be a more effective parent if you didn’t allot so much time to complain about the live you chose on Facebook?

There are many, many things that also annoy me that I didn’t go into here: constant posting about how good God is, posting every shit you take (I’m looking at you, Stovall), posting how drunk you are, posting about the weather when everyone can obviously see what the weather is doing, etc, etc. But I look past those when I realize that not everyone is as funny or as inventive as I am.

And I know it is your Facebook. You can post whatever the fuck you want to. Knock yourself out. But just know that the majority of the time…no one cares. At all. I am doing a public service, really.

Now let’s see how many people have unfriended me…