Thursday, November 4, 2010

Make Awkward Sexual Advances, Not War

So many carbs!
 Since I have since gotten cable in my room (mom totally told me if I did all my chores and said “please” and “thank you” I could get it!) I have basically been watching a lot of Comedy Central.

Because of this, I have gotten into the routine of watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. It is the only news that I watch. This past weekend the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear was held at the National Mall in D.C. (stands for Da Capital). I kinda wanted to go, but due to being a broke ass bitch, I couldn’t. It was broadcast live on Comedy Central and I watched it but I am sure it wasn’t the same.

To me, it looked like a bunch of like minded people just hanging out and enjoying each other’s company but, again, I wasn’t there so what do I know? But, I know someone who was there! Enter: Daniel Price.

I am sure most of you know who Daniel is from Facebook or from real life. We have been friends for years and he is a super cool, smart dude. Daniel went to the Rally with his wife, Lisa. I had a lot of questions for Daniel and I thought, “Maybe other people are curious as to what went down as well???” So, I conducted an interview. Not a real interview. Daniel suggested that we meet for drinks (Daniel is lame and rarely drinks so he would be drinking water while watching me drink, it’s not as fun as it sounds) and I could ask him my questions there.  He didn’t take into account that I would have to like record and transcribe his answers into blog form which, though I love him and respect what he has to say, I wasn’t about to do all that. There is a reason I am not using my journalism degree. So this interview took place via back and forth email, the way professionals do it.

So here you go. Like I said, Daniel is smart, he uses correct grammar and spelling. He is also very funny and charming so you should enjoy what he has to say. Here you go, readers!

I was told those didn't exist

I have tens of tens of readers out there, some of them may not know you. Tell us a little about yourself so we can get a better feel about a person that went to the Rally. Your political views, your religious views, your favorite cereal, etc.

Fuck, really?  Umm...I'm sickeningly liberal about social issues, but I still don't identify with most Democrats (I just see them generally as the lesser of two evils amongst the two parties).  Politically, I think this country was bought and sold years ago and we can vote every couple of years, but all we're doing is shuffling the same two piles of shit back and forth.  Until we get away from a special-interest controlled two-party system, nothing will ever change substantially.

Religious views?  None.  Atheist, I guess, although I don't like applying a labels to shit like that.  But if you insist on having a name for not believing in shit, it's as good as any.  Science > religion.

And finally, I love so many cereals. Fruity Pebbles and Cinnamon Toast Crunch would be the top two, although fuck you if you make me choose between them.

The Dude abides

I would never! On the Daily Show Monday, Jon said something along the lines of everyone picked up after themselves which I found pretty fitting because there had to be a lot of hippies there that were all, “Don’t litter!” So how many hippies were there? Yes, this is a question I have been wanting to ask for days. I was actually going to text you Saturday while you were there with “So how many hippies are there?”

Well, depends on how you define hippies.  If you're talking about long-haired, peace-sign waving, unbathing free-lovers...didn't see many, if any.  But if you mean people like us, tattooed up liberal 20-somethings, then yeah there were tons.

But the litter thing was all because of the charity.  All the merch sold for the Sanity-part of the rally went to the Trust for the National Mall, which is a big organization that works to keep the place beautiful and all that.  And he made mention a couple of times to pick up your trash and it was amazing.  As we were leaving, everyone....200,000+ people....was carrying their trash to the proper bins and picking up bottles and shit.  I was blown away and super proud.

But no, no tie-dyed 1960s hippies that I saw.

Spelling does cunt
Yeah, that is pretty much what I meant, hippies like you and me. Modern day hippies, if you will. I have seen a lot of super cool signs from the Rally, I am pretty sure you didn’t make one, but if you had, what would it have said? And what was your favorite sign?

Funny story, I actually made a list of my favorite signs.  As I was there, during the hours before the show started, every time I saw a sign I liked, I wrote it down in my phone.  As such, I have an awesome list:

- Give Me Doritos or Give Me Death!
- Obama: pro-raptor?
- Be Excellent To Each Other
- Ruly Mob
- Beck is Voldemort
- Make Awkward Sexual Advances, Not War
- I Came Here Illegally. I Went 5mph Over the Speed Limit on I-95
- Free Hugs from a Militant Atheist with a Gay Agenda.
- The Civil War Was An Inside Job
- He's Black, Get Over It!
- This Sign Contains Correct Grammar & Spelling
- Facebook is Socialism
- I'm Perturbed As Heck, and I'm Not Going to Take It Much Longer
- Helvetica is a Boring Font
- I Have A Really Big Sign
- Sarah Palin Can See This Rally From Her House
- Let's Drink Till We Agree
- Vote Steve Holt!
- Tea Parties Are For Mad Hatters
- God Hates Signs
- Decaf Party
- Moderation or Death! Or cake.
- Spread Peanut Butter Not Hate
- Down With Zippers
- Deport Bears
- Think Outside the Fox
- The Only Thing To Fear Is Gay Atheist Immigrant Socialist Bears
- Fight Truth Decay
- Bring Arrested Development Back, Obama!
- Muggles For Tolerance
- Oppressed White People
- Legalize Marijuana (quickly, before they search my fanny pack)
- Things Are Pretty OK
- Glitterbomb the Terrorists
- Mmmmmm Clooney...
- Your sign TL;DR
- C-C-C-Combobreaker!
- Legalize Meth
- Jon, Will You Gay Marry Me?
- Down With Otters

Anyway, if I had made my own sign, it would have been "I Was Told There'd Be Cake."

This guy gets it
STEVE HOLT! Good stuff, and thank you for writing everything down in anticipation for this interview! (note: Daniel had no clue this interview was going down until Tuesday night) Speaking of marijuana, how much of the pot did you smell in your time at the Rally? There had to be a lot.

Three times!  I specifically remember three instances where me and the people around me all looked at each other, sniffed the air, and said "Yup.  Somebody's blazin'."

There were also the mandatory Legalize Pot signs, including one that said "fWEEDom!" which I found adorable and another that an old man was carrying that said "Former CIA analyst for legalization of marijuana" or something like that.

You gotta love potheads. You just do. They are so laid back and they always have the best candy and snacks.  Insert appropriate segue way here, I know you are  fan of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report so I know that is how you heard about the rally and I am sure part of the reason that you wanted to go. But why else did you want to go to the Rally? What prompted you to say, “You know what, I am going to attend this bitch”?

Not-really-that-serious answer: it looked like fun.  It's safe to say they'll never hold another rally ever again.  This was the pinnacle of the Daily Show/Colbert Report and it'll probably be the defining moment of Jon Stewart's career (since he got most of the credit).  When he dies, the rally will be mentioned in his obituary.  So that was part of it: just the fact that I knew it would be huge and historic.  And fun.  And also, because I had always wanted to go to D.C. because I'm an American history buff.  I read a really cool book about the Lincoln assassination a few months ago called Manhunt and really wanted to check out where he was killed and shit like that.

More serious answer: the message of it really hits home to me.  Stewart's right: the media (especially Fox News, but all the rest too) tend to crank up the fear mongering and extremism because that gets ratings. Truth is, most Americans aren't psychopaths who are screaming in the street for Obama's head or Bush's head.  But those are the people who's voices get heard and that's the media's fault.  I just wanted to go to kinda reassure myself that not all of America is batshit fucking insane because I was starting to worry that they were.  So to see that many people in one place, all being polite and reasonable to each other, even if they was pretty neat to know that still exists, despite what the 24-hour news networks try to say.

Right on, man. Free to be you and me. I get it. Did you meet any super interesting people? Was everyone super friendly?

Yes, tons of nice people!  The entire time I was in D.C., not one person was remotely rude, and especially at the Rally.  The people we were sitting with had these little chairs they brought with them and when me and Lisa were bitching about our legs and feet hurting, they offered to let us use their chairs and shit.  Just stuff like that.  Every time you got in the crowd, it was all "Pardon me, sorry.  Oh hi.  Where are you from?  Tennessee?  Nice.  We're from Colorado." or whatever.  Just the friendliest crowd ever.

Crazy people....I saw some crazy costumes.  Flying spaghetti monster being the best, but there were two guys dressed as Mexicans in sombreros and ponchos going around like "I'm gonna steal all your jobs!  Your job?  Mine!  Your job?  Mine too!" and shit.  Pretty amusing.  Colbert had told everyone to dress as their worst fear and encouraged crazy racist stereotypes like that so it was hilarious.

Craziest person I saw was the day before the rally.  Crazy old man in Superman underwear ranting and raving about Obama.  I've got it on video but I haven't uploaded it yet.  But I will....sooooon.... (UPDATE: YouTube link: )

Hands across Americaaaaaa…Okay so Jon Stewart’s speech was amazing. I actually cried but I am odd and I cry for no reason a lot of the time. What was your take on it? Did you or Lisa cry?

My take on it is essentially...."Nailed it."  In a matter of minutes, his speech managed to say everything I've ever thought about the media divide in our country but never had the ability to put the words together in such a powerful way.

Lisa is very unpolitical and unpatriotic in general.  She mostly was going because I wanted to go.  She doesn't follow politics or media shit much and she doesn't really give a shit one way or the other what our government does so long as they don't hurt kittens.  So I think she was kind of indifferent to it, although she at least acted like she enjoyed it I guess.

I, on the other hand, was INSANELY moved.  Not to the point of tears because I'm too manly and strong for such things...but seriously, I've never felt more patriotic and proud to be an American in my entire life.  It was an incredible speech and it does make me get a little misty-eyed when I think of it.

So how big was that Stephen Colbert Fear Monster thing? It looked huge and a little scary, which I am pretty sure was the point.

It was pretty damn big.  I'd say a good 30 feet tall, with arms longer than that.  It looked pretty awesome.

This interview is cool, I feel famous.
That is what I am here for, buddy, to make everyone famous. I share the wealth, I’m a democrat! I am pretty sure I am out of questions and I won’t think of any more until days later when I am drunk or something so is there anything else you would like to add about the Rally? Thoughts? Concerns? Food?

Food would be awesome...

Nothing else to add, other than I must insist that this blog's millions of fans need to go to Washington D.C.  Even if there's not a rally, the city and the monuments are beautiful, the museums kick ass, and it's just a really interesting place to be.

Seacrest out!

So there you have it, people. I hope you enjoyed one Memphian’s tale of the Rally to Restore Sanity. He will be posting a blog on Facebook about it later that I am going to repost here if anyone is interested in reading it.

And thank you, Daniel! You’re the


Anonymous said...


Stacey Garrett said...

Yeah, I only think that "first!" comments count on blogs that get actual comments, which mine does not. And anonymous, really?

Anonymous said...

Hell yea anonymous .... I like my identity kept a secret. I may be wearing a deep V right now.

Stacey Garrett said...

This is going to drive me fucking bonkers, asshole.

Anonymous said...

Hint: today is Thursday. Does that make any kind of sense.... No.

Stacey Garrett said...

It's probably just one of my many stalkers. It comes with internet fame.

Peezy said...

My interview is well on it's way to becoming the most-commented-on blog in the history of Inconsequential Garbage.

I'd like to thank my fans, first and foremost, for still having faith. My family, particularly my wife Lisa for sticking by me all these years. Stacey for believing in me with this interview. And of course, God, for whom I could never have achieved such monumental success. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Stalker per urban dictionary; It seems to be that the term 'stalker' no longer means what it used to mean--the pathological ANONYMOUS follower and tab-keeper of another person or persons (A detective who has not been hired and has no real reason to follow someone). The old definition also would say that a 'stalker' often has an imaginary connection with the stalkee. HOWEVER, common usage of the term, along with the term 'creepy', has come to be used as a defense mechanism for anyone seeking justification for not being attracted socially or physically to someone else. This term is nearly as overdiagnosed as ADHD is in children. Any women who think an undesirable man might be interested in her will almost always automatically label him a stalker. Note: Far too many idiots think they're more important than they really are. Real stalkers seek out beautiful, interesting, and often famous members of the attractive gender. 90 percent of the people who use the term couldn't get a real stalker to save their lives.

Stacey Garrett said...


Stacey Garrett said...

And, also Pssshhh, have you seen me?! I can't get a stalker...crazy talk!

And Daniel, you forgot to thank God for sending you to the Rally and for making everyone there. duh!

The Mean Beene said...

Awesome work people. Wait, democrats don't work. Awcrap.

Anonymous said...

Fine, I will be your stalker, everyone should have at least one.

Stacey Garrett said...


Snoballz said...

Good article. You should interview people with much more interesting lives than you more often.

Stacey Garrett said...

It's true, Stovall. It's true.

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