Thursday, April 28, 2011

This week on Facebook

This weeks pic comes from TWOFB superstar, Jason

Really people with the Grizzlies statuses? Really? Where the fuck were those statuses when they sucked? Where was your die-hard fandom? It’s all I am saying.

sorry for anything you may have gotten from my facebook last night. it was not me – I always, always find it funny when people get their Facebook jacked (or “fraped” as it is sometimes known). Cracks my shit right on up. Although, I feel that one day it is going to happen to me and it won’t be so funny. What is not so funny is this, this appeared as a status on the wifey’s fb:

Hey everyone...this is ____ . I love my wife ____ so much! – Wowzers. If this is not the worst kind of status raping, I don’t know what is. And now that we are on the subject of husbands and wives…don’t share facebooks. Just don’t. I could not think of anything more ridiculous and co-dependant. It’s bad enough I have to look at your children in your profile picture since you have no self-identity or self-worth and now you are sharing a facebook with your spouse?

WTFITOFB (Why The Fuck Is This On Facebook) -  You learn from your mistakes... or you should learn from them... sometimes we keep doing the same stupid stuff. u hear the little voice say don't do it but u turn off your hearing and do it anyway.. Lord give me the strength to walk the right path – and please give him the strength to get those pesky voices on up out of his head.

Dave Brown was pretty much rocking the shit in status updates this week thanks to the refuckingdiculous amount of storms in the area:

- Dave Brown just shat himself and started weeping on live TV. Think this storm's gonna be a bad one....

- Thank goodness Dave Brown is risking life and limb to drive to the station.

- OMG Dave Brown bobblehead. I want it

FB Statuses Done Right:

- I've decided to start growing my own food. Anyone know where to get a Dorito tree?

- There is Murphy's Law, there is Newton's Law. Things go wrong and then they fall down on me.

- I planted a tree today. You're welcome, Mother Nature.

- I bet the Gleetards were upset that their show wasn't on tonight, if its any consolation, you are now straight.

- Since Easter is the rebirth of Jesus why isn’t it treated like a second Christmas. With that said I'm pulling out the tree and my stocking... and liquored up egg nog. I may even go caroling in the building, that just depends on my second Christmas spirit. Let's make this happen... trend setting is awesome.

- pill form steroids taste like a hooker's ass pennies. I'm not talking about a high class call girl, but a dirty, crack addicted, hepatitis infested street walker.

- We put a man on the fuckin' moon but we haven't figured out how to make Theraflu not taste like burning dragon piss...

- there are too many pregnancies on facebook, let alone in the Memphis area. I have found a solution. Groupon needs to have a deal on tubal ligation and vasectomies or great deals on the abortion pill. I'm a genius.... I need the nobel prize for that idea. COUNT IT!

- Traffic was a breeze this morning. Why didn't they crucify Jesus every Friday?

- Parenting 101: make kids pick out semi healthy dinner, then pick a pretzel from Auntie Anne's for my dinner.

- Just saw Napoleon Dynamite running down Madison.

Send all Facebook Fuckery here.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

You're Welcome Theater: New Shit

Okay so I watch a lot of movies which should surprise no one. I employ all forms of movie watching be it Red Box or Netflix or whatever and, unfortunately, not every movie is a winner. In a better effort to inform you people of good and bad things I am going to give you a run down of the latest new(ish) releases that I have recently watched.

I am going to leave my thoughts, feelings, praise and hatred for each movie with no plot synopsis. If you are interested enough in the movie and don’t know what it is about, click on the title and that will take you to Pajiba and you can read what they said about the movie and you can get an inkling as to what it is about.

Buried: I really wanted to like this movie and for a movie about a shirted Ryan Reynolds buried in a pine box, they did a lot with it. And I think it would have liked it had it not been the most upsetting movie I have seen in a long time. But Ryan Reynolds rocks the shit in it, abs or no abs.

Due Date: It has Robert Downey Jr. in it. I should just stop right there. You need to know nothing else. It is, of course, exactly what you expect it to be but it was funny and it has my boyfriend RDJ in it (and my mistress, Zach Galifianakis – I like chubby dudes…). Go ahead and watch it. I doubt you will regret it. It won’t change any lives but it’s fun.

Love and Other Drugs: Never watch this movie. I had higher hopes for something that Anne Hathaway was in but I was severely let down. I realize it is a shitty romantic comedy but I do like her and I am going to go ahead and reconsider my love for her after watching this piece of shit. I couldn’t even make it through the entire movie and I was crocheting and doing other things. Meaning, I couldn’t even have this shit on in the background. It was that bad.

127 Hours: I don’t think I have been this uncomfortable watching a movie since Black Swan. And if you don’t like James Franco (how could you not like James Franco???), you may want to avoid it altogether. For everyone that knows anything about this movie you can pretty much tell why it’s so uncomfortable; you are waiting for the one part that you heard about. And it is a long wait. Not quite 127 hours long of a wait, but a long wait nonetheless. Solid film. Hard to watch.

Case 39: Sigh. As much as I want to like a story about a really fucked up evil child who persuades people to kill others, I just couldn’t. I blame this in large part to Squinty McSquints and the Emutard (yes, emu) that starred in this piece of shit. You can go ahead and watch it if you must, but it’s pointless and terrible. But it is a cautionary tale to never have children.

It’s Kind of a Funny Story: Before you get all “Hey, Zach Galifianakis is in it, it has to be funny!” let me tell you that it is not that kind of movie. It is a “funny story” but it could also very well be a “quirky kinda depressing story.” That being said, I kind of love it but I like quirky, off the beaten path kind of shit. I have a feeling that lots of fan of Zachs (first name basis and his last name is long) would be bored to tears with this movie. I liked it and if you have a predilection towards quirk and mental hospitals, it’s for you.

Winter’s Bone: This is not a bad movie by any means but it is going to make you feel bad in general. You could also look at this like “Hey at least it isn’t me…” kind of thing, because this is an upsetting ass movie. A good one but not one that I am in any hurry to ever watch again, ever.

Exit Through the Gift Shop: Be warned this is a documentary. I like documentaries, lots of people don’t. I thought it was great and super interesting about something I thought I would never be interested in and that is street art. Since I am pretty much on the internet all day I see all kinds of images that I am like “Hmmm….where did that come from?” and a lot of it comes from street art. More than you might think. It’s worth a watch and I was skeptical at first as well but I ended up really liking it.

Catfish: Holy potatoes was this a damn good movie. It is another documentary but for someone that is on Facebook more than I care to admit, it really made me think. And don’t let anyone spoil this for you so I will tell you nothing more. Good movie. Great modern documentary about all the fuckery that gets carried out on social networking sites. Everyone should watch it.

So there you go. I hope it helped someone out there to not rent or waste their time on a truly awful movie. I do what I can around here.

And if anyone has any suggestions on movies I should watch next, you know what to do.

Monday, April 25, 2011

IG Outings: Carnival Foods Reviewed!

Carnival Food day was a pretty fucking good one, I will tell you that much. Carnival Food is on Germantown Pkwy by the Cordova Malco next to Humdingers (no clue as to what Humdingers is).

They have everything that you can find at the fair. If you like it at the fair, they have it. Be forewarned, the turkey leg has to be ordered ahead of time. I have no idea what they do to it that would cause it to be special ordered but it is and you do. Sherrie had an idea that they needed to declaw it first or "de-feet it"...get it? It was a good one. I laughed.

If you will all please take a look right here at everything that we ordered. That is two elephant ears, a funnel cake, a fried pickle and Sherrie got the special fair lemonade and I got boring old water. We didn't actually order two elephant ears. Sherrie ordered one and they had batter left over so they just gave us two, which, free food is always nice. And we still had to get our snow cones and I had a large bag of fresh-made-daily cotton candy that I had yet to pick out. I knew there was no way in hell we could finish all that shit and I also knew that no one should ever try and finish all that shit. We did our best.

I had never had an elephant ear before. I had heard about them but never seen one up close and in the wild. So it's like a funnel cake with a good bit of cinnamon and sugar on top. How fried dough topped with cinnamon and sugar could be bad, I do not know.

Upon further inspection and taste testing I will tell you all now that elephant ears are glorious. I can't believe I have gone 29 (not 30 yet, dickheads) years without having one of these. So good. It's like eating fried Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and that is probably the highest acclaim that most cinnamon-based desserts can get.

 It was good. And please note the close up in the right hand corner of the amount of powdered sugar they give you with your funnel cake. That thing was filled to the brim with the top on when we got it.

Mmmm...funnel cake... I mean, again, how wrong can you really go? Fried dough + powdered sugar = call it whatever, I am eating it.

Again, fucking tasty. It was crispy and chewy in all the right places and they give you enough powdered sugar to kill any diabetic just hanging out in the streets. It was good and it has been damn near a decade since I have had one and it was delicious.

Fried pickles!! Woot! I love fried pickles and everyone should. I limit my consumption usually because it's fried pickles, but I love them. They cut one of those huge fair pickles in half length-wise and then fry it and serve it with ranch. I was pumped as hell.

As you can see, it is a hulking big fried pickle.

I wouldn't call it the best fried pickle (Young Ave Deli) but it was pretty good. It is also a fried pickle for people that love pickles. It's a big pickle and you get more pickle taste than anything else so you have to really love pickles to like this one. I happen to love pickles so I liked it. However, the Ranch isn't homemade so I didn't dip it as much as I would have had it been homemade Ranch. It's just better and if you are going to splurge on Ranch, I want it to at least be good, you know?

Sherrie made a happy plate! She can now get her snow cone!

I chose a blue sno cone because I like blue stuff. If it is colored vibrant blue with no hint of natural anything, I like it and I want to ingest it.

The snow cone was... a snow cone. There is nothing more to say about chipped ice in a cup with sugar syrup. I prefer shaved ice because I am kind of bitchy like that so I wasn't a huge fan of the snow cone but it is huge and no child that was there that got a snow cone didn't like it so I am thinking it is a hit with most people with not as sophisticated a pallette as myself.

The cotton candy was amazeballs delicious. As I said earlier, they make it fresh so it doesn't have that slight synthetic flavor that you get with store bought brands (yes, I am being serious). It's melt in your mouth good, well more so than it already melts in your mouth. I got a big bag, I have it for less than 24 hours and it's almost gone...don't you judge me!

Like the theme of the restaurant, the prices were also carnival prices. It may not have been as expensive as it is at the fair but the total for everything we got was around $30.00 which is a lot when you didn't get any form of alcohol. But a family of four could have shared half the food we got and gotten out there in less than $20.00.

Sherrie and I were there for a while. Eating, talking, looking through a Sunnydale High yearbook... and while were there I can't even tell you how many kids piled in. There were kids everywhere and they were so excited to be there that every damn one of them was well behaved. It was amazing.

Everything is made fresh to order and nothing is frozen or pre-cooked. Everyone there was cool and friendly. They told us about this whole wristband deal they are going to do once a month. Something like if you go eat there, they will give you a wristband and you can go back on the 5th of every month with your wristband and they will give you something for free you just have to check what day it is. It could be free sno cones, free funnel cakes, whatever. It's free if you have eaten there before and gotten a wristband. Something like that. I could be wrong.

All in all, it was a pretty fun experience. I hate fairs with a fiery passion but I do like the food so it is good to know that you don't have to go through the fuckery that the fair provides. Would I eat here again? Yes but not for a very, very long time. And I would surely take the kids. I think they would love it.

But what about Sherrie? What did she think of Carnival Food? Well why don't we just let her tell it, shall we?

As you all know by now, because you're avid IG readers (and if you're not, fuck you), I accompanied your favorite blogger*  to Carnival Food on Saturday. We left no stone unturned. No food uneaten. No drink undrank. No seat unwet.

We arrived promptly at 2:30 pm (that's a lie, I was late as shit) and looked over the menu for all of 1 minute and 46 seconds before we both decided what to order. Truth be told, I think we both studied the menu online intensely several times in the last week or two in preparation for this spectacular mouth party. Stacey ordered a fried pickle, which unbeknownst to me is actually two fried pickles. The menu says Fried Pickle. Singular. Just one. But you get two! Props to them on the surprise pickle (if I had a dollar for every time I've said that). And they're whole pickles. Not the sliced up junk you get at Hooters. Served with a side of white stuff that I assume was ranch. We ordered a funnel cake to share (picture Lady and the Tramp, but with fried, sugary, dough noodles), snow cones for dessert, a side of cotton candy, and an elephant ear for me, which of course I planned to let Stacey gobble on if she wanted to.

Sharing of elephant ears was not needed however, as we ended up with an extra elephant ear, and I did not complain one bit. The two elephant ears and pickles arrived first. I wish we'd had a stop watch to time how long it took me to dive in, as well as how long it took me to finish the entire thing. I wasn't even thinking ahead about the beautiful funnel cake on its way. I was just happy to have something fried and covered in sugar after I ate like a freaking saint all week, saving up every extra calorie and carb for Saturday.

It's been so long since I have been to any sort of fair or carnival that I had almost forgotten exactly what an elephant ear is. Let me tell you the difference between an elephant ear and a funnel cake: sugar. That's the difference. The type of sugar. That's pretty much it. A funnel cake is fried dough with a ton of powdered sugar thrown on it. An elephant ear is fried dough with cinnamon and granulated sugar thrown on it. The end.

Did you know that there is only one food in this world that is more betterer than a funnel cake and an elephant ear in the same sitting? It's true! It is the aptly named elephunnel cake. That's what you call an elephant ear with its cinnamony, sugary, buttery goodness, that has also been coated with powdered sugar from your funnel cake.

The whole time we were eating, I felt like the biggest glutton in the world. Like Khloe Kardashian or something. I spared no dough. My cake was to sugar what garlic bread is to spaghetti sauce. I mopped that shit up. I couldn't bear the thought of orphaned sugar! Oh and I washed it down with a pretty delicious lemonade. It wasn't quite the kind you get at a fair where they squeeze lemons into some water and throw an excessive amount of sugar in it. But it wasn't Crystal Light either, so I'll give them that.

So in short, the food was pretty damn delicious and the table was not as sticky as I imagined it'd be. There were a few drawbacks however. The snow cones? Not so much. They weren't so much cones as they were cups. And it wasn't so much snow (ish) as it was ice shards. False advertising. They were just ice cups with syrup. Pretty sure that's what they give you to shut you up while you're birthing children. Speaking of children... there were many. Too many. Hopefully they belonged to one of the employees. Either that or the restaurant doubles as a day care center, which cannot be sanitary. The kids were pretty obnoxious and annoying, as all kids are unless they belong to you in some way. (Feel free to link this to your recent Whitman smells yucky things post). Also, the prices are fair - if you plan on ordering one or two things. They're definitely better priced than actual treats would be at a carnival, but dang! Together, Stacey and I spent $30. Hers was $14, mine was $16. For an elephant ear, 2 snow cones, and a lemonade? Color me broke! But they did give me a free refill on my lemonade when I asked nicely.

Overall, I'll rate this experience a 7.

PS: This makes me want to kill myself.

*Funny story - I typed blooger on accident and had a nice chuckle to myself. Now use it in a sentence: Stacey, you're one damn fine blooger if I do say so myself.

Asshole Monday: Picky Eaters

Some of you may be thinking, “But, Stacey, you are a vegetarian. What is your beef with picky eaters? You are a picky eater!” And to that I say, “No, no I am not a picky eater. I just don’t eat meat. There is a difference.” In truth, I will try anything once.* How am I to ever know that I don’t like if I don’t try it?!

Picky eaters as a whole don’t really bother me. Not at all. I understand certain people have their reasons for not liking certain things. As long as they are willing to try it, I am all for it. But for picky eaters that won’t even try things…

Let’s all be adults here. You are old enough to eat something or at least try something out of the ordinary. You look like a whiny little bitch when you don’t (And for the love of Pete if you try something and you don’t like and you spit it out, you deserve to be kicked repeatedly in the face for being a petulant child). One bite is all it takes and if you don’t like it, I will never ask again. Simple, right? It’s pretty fucking simple.

The worst kind of picky eater (This is where I go ahead and tell you things that people probably think about you but never say because those people are nice):

Listen, this is very, very important, when you go to a restaurant that is known for something specific, say seafood, or steak, or sushi, or Chinese food or whatever…don’t order a fucking cheeseburger. I really, really can’t stand it when people go to a restaurant that has one specialty and they get something else. Like going to Half Shell and ordering a cheeseburger. Really, going anywhere that isn’t known for cheeseburgers, and getting a cheeseburger is the most ridiculous thing, redneck thing I could have ever imagined in my entire life. Does that make me an uppity bitch? No doubt! Am I okay with it? For sure.

If you don’t like seafood, fine. I actually do understand when I want to go somewhere, say sushi, for example. And if the person I am going with doesn’t like sushi, I am more than fine with picking somewhere else. I am not going to make them go somewhere where all they do is bitch or…order a cheeseburger.

Here is the thing, if you go to a restaurant and you don’t get what they are famous for, you are doing yourself a grave disservice. Whenever you go anywhere, please, get what they do well or else you are a picky eating idiot. True Story.

And then, sigh, there is this…

When I ate meat, I loved steak. Loved it. I would eat it at least once a week if I could. I would rather have it over chicken any day. It also needed to be pretty rare. Not quite to the point of a blood soaked plate, but close. That sounds disgusting as all hell to me now but back then, I loved it. I never cooked steak but David did and he was very good at it. He is also where I learned a very, very important rule about steak consumption:

Never, upon any circumstances, should anyone put steak sauce on a good steak. Ever. If it’s a shitty steak, go for it. I actually love the taste of A1 and I put it on a baked potato with sour cream. It is the bees knees (or if you want to go really crazy, throw some spicy, garlicy hummus on it!).

My point, if it’s a good steak, you don’t need steak sauce. The taste of the meat (dead, cow carcass farmed in half the time and corn fed) is good enough without all that shit on it. Just enjoy the meat, bro. It’s what it’s there for (poor cows…). Putting steak sauce on a good steak isn’t exactly the equivalent of putting ketchup on any steak, but it is close.

Really, all I am asking here, is just be open to new things. Food is one of my very favorite things on this here shitty planet that we live on. Enjoy it and try all of it. You could have been missing out all this time on something awesome, you picky fucking assholes.

*That is actually not true. I refused to eat a pickled egg one time and I stand by my refusal.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Cute? Yes. Smart? Ehhh...

Before I begin, there is this:

Does anyone out there know who you can most definitely fool with the "Ewww! That smells horrible, come smell it..." routine ??? A four-year-old. Shocking. I know. We just played a quick game that was fun for the both of us and also pretty ridiculous for two smart individuals such as ourselves. It alll started with me taking out the trash...

There has been this funk smell wafting through our household since this morning and it is pretty grody. I determined it was most definitely our garbage can so I took the garbage out. Whitman could smell it from where he was standing and he looked curious as to what was smelling so badly so I said "Ewww. This smells awful, come smell it..."

He was, of course, happy to oblige. He came over and put his whole face in the garbage can and took a whiff and he concurred, it smelled pretty rank. To see his "this smells terrrible" face is pretty funny so I just took him around the house and told him to smell stuff and to tell me what everything smelled like. According to him everything smelled bad. We killed a good 30 minutes just smelling things. Anyone who says that small children are hard to please is the dumbest person imaginable. Moving on...

I know that I have said before that at times parents think what their kids do or say is way, way funnier to them than it is to anyone else. And that is all well and good. However, I really hate to break it to some parents that their kids aren't that funny. In fact, I am sure some of them may be a little bit boring. Hate if you must (haters gonna hate), but come on. Even the parents of boring kids know their kids are a little boring. Quit lying to yourself, it helps no one.

Garrett and Whitman just so happen to be really cool and funny and amusing to everyone on Earth. It's true. I've seen it. And I am an excellent judge of character and entertainment. And that is how we got to this:

In truth, the idea for this video was must grander and funnier than it turned out being, but it's a super cute kid doing stupid noises. What is not to like? Come on, now! I fear we will not be the next YouTube sensation but someday Whitterbug is going to be grateful to see how weird he used to be as a kid and he is going to thank me for this. I just know it.

Please ignore my very, very country-bumpkin-ass accent. It is terrible and I am not the most fond of it:

Again, I am sure it is lame to anyone that isn't related to this kid is going to be bored to tears, but it's the little, really stupid things like this that make me gush with parental (not a parent) pride. I am easy to please, what can I say, really?

Oh, and hooray for Friday night blog posting. To anyone that thought I had a life, you were so very wrong. Egg. All over your face.

Keepers: Irate Warrior loves a movie night

Before we get to the bulk of our linkage, let’s get this very important piece of info out of the way first: My Wu-Tang name generator name is Irate Warrior. Let’s all ponder on that and fitting it really is. Feel free to comment with your Wu-Tang name generator name in the comments or on the FB. 

Happy Earth Day to everyone! If I would have thought more about it, I would have actually tailored your links to Earth Day and recycling and being green but I kinda spaced on that. Your links my beautiful nerds:


How excited am I to bring you your awesome video of the week in video form and not just a link to YouTube? Pretty damn excited!

The many life affirming dances of Christopher Duncan Turk (C-Dav, if you are reading, this one is for you) 

I think Flash Mobs have already run their course, thankfully. But to say that it isn’t somewhat amusing to see middle-aged women at Target break into a flash mob (right in front of the entrance? RUDE!) would be a lie. But let’s all be done with flash mobs, shall we? 

Look at these fucking hipsters! It’s the Hipster Olympics, folks! And let me say now that I was drinking PBR way before it was cool! 

Shaun of the Dead in 60 seconds and given the Scott Pilgrim treatment. You are all welcome. 

Here is a video that I refuse to watch but that doesn’t mean that you all shouldn’t. Atmosphere is Daniel’s, like, favorite. I have heard some of his stuff and I like most of it, for the most part. I am told it is an amazing video but I couldn’t tell you. Not watching on principal alone. 

Random/ Funny/ Pervy/ Weird/ Cool/ Nerdy/ You’re welcome:

Hello Kitty is both cute and sexy and here she is in body paint form! 

Everyone loves a movie night, am I right? And movie night dates are inevitable and always kind of fun. Never before has there been a comprehensive review of what movie to pick and how to behave during your first movie night experience. It’s a good read and everyone who has ever had or will have a movie night date should read this

I am not huge on massages as I don’t like to be touched by strangers all that much, but this sounds gloriously wonderful. It’s a salt and tequila massage. I want to go to there. 

As we all know, I am doing my best to not partake in the spirits (for now!) but this makes me want to drink heavily in a good way. It also proves that mixed drinks do not have to be girly! 

The Leslie Knope guide to emoticons. Yes! Informative and helpful! 

Okay so…Taco Bell now has a Dorito’s Nacho Cheese taco shell being tested in a few of its stores. Someone out there may be interested in that, I surely found it grossly amusing. 

Even for me, that is a lot of starbursts. And can someone please tell me what mom works for years with candy wrappers to make a prom dress for her daughter to wear??? In awe I am. In awe of the awesome.  

I know a lot of you could not care less about food and where food is now, yada yada, but one of my favorite vegan bloggers breaks it down all nice and brief like here

Another pretty big reason that Kindle’s are terrible

Stuff I want:

Harry Potter voice-activated wand and flashlight, excuse me while I geek the fuck out. 

An i’Pawd…get it? It’s an iPad for dogs! Dog Nerd Humor! 

Awww it’s kind of fucked up but how cute? Who says you can’t look hardcore while walking your dog?! 

She’s Crafty:

It’s a Bacon Rose Bouquet. You can now get your pork fat in flower form! Still gross? Still gross.

Food (aka, food things I find that I want to keep track of to one day use):

I have been sent several different recipes for Cadbury crème eggs and I shared those so why not share this one as well, and this one looks pretty cool.

America’s top 10 new sandwiches veganized. I am going to try a couple of the simpler ones out one of these days. And I am sorry but all of your carnivores out there can't tell me that some of these don't look amazingly tasty!

Here is a pretty good guide to cooking seasonally. All the cool kids are doing it. 

Falafel is an IG favorite and sometimes when you make it yourself (I have yet to do this, but I plan on it soon) you have mix leftover and here are a few ways you can use your leftover mix. Be Green! It’s Earth Day! 

We all know how I love a recipe that lets you remake some form of delicious candy so I now give you a recipe for homemade Twix and homemade truffles

And finally we have a pretty awesome picture of some Peep Sushi sent to me by two different Reddit nerds named Chris, Thanks guys!

Posts from this week:

As always thank you to my wonderful and talented readers for sending things in. I always appreciate it! Please send all links, videos, This Week on Facebook, etc here:

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Ask an Atheist: Because free thinking is cool

I know everyone hates it when I get serious around here, but on occasion it’s okay. I don’t do it often but when I do, it is something that is mildly important to me or might help someone else out in some other way.

Atheists will always get shade thrown from believers. Always. In my experience in dealing with certain believers when they find out that I don’t share their same beliefs, I am immediately told that I am wrong, ill-informed and going to hell. Thanks, guys! It’s also been my experience that some believers never, ever want to let it go and they will rain down hell-fire and redemption on my worthless non-believing ass.

What usually follows are misguided attempts by believers to convert me through fear even though I am perfectly happy being reasonable and open-minded. Most go on the defensive at once and they want to question my bible knowledge or my thoughts on the afterlife, yada yada yada. Here is the thing: I don’t care. I don’t care to debate or challenge. You aren’t going to change my mind and I am not going to change yours. Can we just go get a slice of pizza and a beer or something? That seems like a lot more fun than arguing about our belief systems which is something I just don’t want to do. Mostly because I don’t so much care what anyone else believes. We live in a big world, there is room for everyone. Can’t we all just get along? It turns out we can’t and some people still like to argue. Enter Jim.

As most of you know if I come across a question or questions that I can’t answer, I just ask someone else. Jim is a longtime friend and fellow atheist. If I ever have any questions about what to say in certain situations when uber-believers won’t STFU, I ask Jim. So I thought to myself “Hmmmm…I might be onto something here…” I figured if I had questions, other atheists might as well. So I compiled those questions, sent them on, and here we are.

To everyone interested, please read on. If not, peace to the out. And thanks, Jim, for taking your time out between model building and guitar picking to answer my questions. And happy birthday! (Today is his  birthday, how awesome of a gift is it to be on this amazing blog on your birthday, I ask you?!)

So what's your beef with religion, man? What happened to you to make you this way?

Nothing in particular happened to make me leave religion. It was a gradual change. We are all born atheist and that's a fact. I was never heavily indoctrinated as a child. Also I spent the majority of my time in church coloring or some shit so it never grabbed hold of me. Religion divides. Its teachings are absolutes. There is no gray area. Religion was a way for older societies and ancient civilizations to explain the world around them and control the population. We have no need for that anymore. I value reason and science. We know why grass is green, what thunder is and how life evolves (thanks Darwin). Yes there are many things we still don't know about but that's no reason to say a celestial omnipresent dictator had anything to do with it. It’s time for humanism to replace religion. Quit worrying about who can marry whom, the well being of stem cells and abortion and focus on the world’s actual problems. If religious people put all that time, thought and money into ridding the world of poverty and hunger we'd be in a much better place.

Upon finding out that you are an atheist, how do believers normally react? Do they get offensive all of a sudden?

Most people have no clue as to what an atheist is. They think you worship the devil or something. We don't believe in any god, devil, spirit, ghost or unicorn.....although I find it hard to let go of bigfoot. It's simply a lack of belief. Hence the "A" which means without.

I'm pretty sure Bigfoot is real and should be capitalized but whatevs. So since you believe in nothing, how are your morals holding up? The bible is the only example of morals, right? And how often do you hear dumbass questions about your morals?

It's typically one of the first questions asked. Morals predate religion...most certainly the three monotheistic religions we are familiar with. If the bible were my guide to what is right or wrong and I followed the law to a T then I would be stoning people for working on Saturday, killing non believers, and killing my children for talking back. "Oh that’s old testament law and we don't follow that anymore, that's why Jesus came". Hilarious. I'm not sure where Christians got that nonsense from but the new testament isn't much better with its degradation of women, gay bashing and pro slavery talk.

The ten commandments aren't much help either. I'm pretty sure none of these were very profound at the time. I mean the first four having nothing to do with morals at all. They are strictly dealing with how to worship god. Why not scratch that shit and add one about not molesting children or rape. But nooo the almighty sky daddy feels it's more important to not do shit on Saturdays or draw any images of him (sorry Sunday school kids, draw pictures of Jesus and you're dead!). The rest of the commandments are common sense. Man would have never been able to form a society if they were stealing each others shit and just pointlessly offing people. Animals (which we are) understand this and I've never seen a chimp reading the bible. They'd rather throw their shit at people.....and so would I.

Well throwing shit at people is pretty much a no-brainer. I am sure, like me, that you get told you are going to burn in hell a lot. How do you respond to that?

Well I surprisingly don't get that much. I find that most religious friends and family find it hard to imagine me or any loved one burning for eternity in hell. So you almost have to wrestle it out of them. They know you are not deserving of such a place but that their "good book" is clear in the matter and you will indeed roast. God is good.

Not to mention hell probably wouldn't be so bad. Hell is full of some of the smartest and most entertaining people in our time. That beats eternal harp music and Jesus ass kissing every time in my book.

I'll be in hell so that automatically makes it that much cooler, am I right? ... Ha. That wasn't your real question. It goes without saying, really… So what would you say in this scenario: someone tells you to just read the bible and your faith will be restored. You would say:

"Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived." Isaac Asimov

That quote really sums up how I feel about the bible and its teachings. The God of the old testament is a genocidal maniac who puts Hitler’s attempt at ethnic cleansing to shame. Unfortunately his son in the new testament is only a bit more tolerant. This book as a whole is just filled with intolerance, racism, sexism, murder, rape, incest....I could go on. The bit of positive teachings of Jesus are not the least bit original to Christianity and were typically ripped off of another religion or philosophy. The story of Jesus is not actual the least bit original. The amount of gods that predate Jesus and also happened to be born of a virgin on December 25th, perform miracles, have 12 disciples, die just to be resurrected 3 days later is staggering and quite the clue that the bible is the work of bronze aged desert dwelling goad herders. My favorite story from the bible has to be that of the prophet Elisha and make this a lesson for all of you bullies out there. "And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them" (2 Kings 2:23-24).

It’s like no one every pays any attention to the really, truly ridiculous in the bible. They just pass over all that to get to the “good word”, it’s a little silly. Okay, in closing, in your opinion or whatever, what happens when someone dies just so everyone is clear what exactly an atheist “believes”?

Your heart stops pumping blood to your brain which in turn makes you brain dead. Actually your heart could still be pumping and you could be brain dead...anyways when the brain no longer functions’re dead. There’s no heaven, no hell, just nothing. So you’ve got this one life to live and enjoy yourself. Enjoy your family, enjoy your friends, beer, nature, your pets, sex, junk food, Falafel, the Smurfs, Alf, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure(and Bogus Journey). You get the picture. Time is precious...don’t waste it by pumping up an imaginary sky daddy’s ego with your endless worship.

This week on Facebook

"Not to alarm anybody, but there's a gigantic 50ft stink bug terrorizing Cordova. Just a heads up."

I have recently become involved in a married couple’s day to day conversations, not by choice. This person is about to be hidden with a quickness but I didn’t know they were a hider at first, you know? I am pretty sure this couple only speaks to each other over Facebook, when it is 8:00 at night and they are both commenting on things that their children are doing right in front of them. Maybe turn to your left or right and tell your spouse what you are thinking??? Just a thought. There is absolutely no need to carry on with your conversations about resetting the bedroom and the microwave clock after the power went out momentarily (I am not making any of this up). And then, no, AND THEN we get a running list of everything that their children pray for at night. Everything and written in a child’s vernacular. It’s just too much. I am a fan of posting crazy things that kids say. Kids are funny as hell and sometimes the thoughts that come out of their brains are hysterical. But they aren’t all gems, I assure you. Sometimes kids say stupid things that no one cares about. It happens all the time. And I hate to tell you that it is happening with your kids on a nightly basis. Enough.

Violent + Visually-striking + Action & Adventure - Your taste preferences created this row. Don't you judge me, Netflix. That was a pretty thought-provoking status that I am going to expand on now: I try and not judge people as a whole.  However, if I ever judge, it would probably be from a person’s Netflix queue. You can tell a lot about a person by what they choose to watch in their spare time. So let’s take a look at what my Netflix Taste Preferences created: Quirky Romantic Sci-Fi Fantasy, Violent Psychological Crime, Campy Dark Emotional Comedy…I sound like a violent emo cutter with a sense of humor, judge accordingly.

Okay do you ever hear a word or phrase out of the norm that you don’t normally hear every day and all of a sudden it is everywhere, like “WTF?! Why is everyone using that word all of a sudden?” Here you go: starting to get sleepy:( only 6 more hours! And i cant get the outsiders out of my head now! Stay gold Pony Boy! That is the FOURTH instance that that particular Outsiders quote was used from my fb friends this week. It’s insane, no? What is up? Has The Outsiders been playing on TV a lot lately or something? What is going on, exactly?

This person was wrong: Grape jolly ranchers are disgusting, FYI! – Grape Jolly Ranchers are the bomb explosive.

There was a pretty bad storm Tuesday night and, of course, everyone had to update their statuses. I applaud all those that were creative about it:

- ‎"What's the weather looking like out there, Ollie?"

- Tornado last night. I woke up in Oz this morning. Turns out it's exactly like Memphis, except there's no electricity. Way overrated. *clicks heels*

- Dear sweet power.... I need I've never been in need of you before. Please come back to me before I wake. I desperately need you to charge my phone to wake me up for work. I don't think you leaving me will be enough for them to excuse my tardy. Please come back....I'm sorry. I won't take you for granted anymore and things will be different this time. I promise!

- Tough to sleep with this siren in my ear, but thankful for safety! Probably going to sleep with boots right by my bed juuuussst in case. (True story: Every time there is supposed to be a really bad storm while I am sleeping, I put my bag (some people call it a purse) and a pair of shoes by my bed).

FB Statuses Done Right:

- So, Lucretia Huxtable just made me an administrator of an "ipad 2 research page." I'm going to go ahead and call this one sketchy.

- "Yeeeeaaah! Whooooo-hoooo! Monday! Hell yeah!" - no one, ever.

- I own a ridiculous number of red t-shirts. I need to go kill a Crip or something.

- I just want to be a majestic unicorn for one day. I heart unicorns.

- My beard is more fierce than yours. I look like bigfoot and Jesus had a baby.

‎- 1 in 750, its like winning the shitty lottery. I blame monster truck shows.

- Little drunk and watching clint eastwood. Fed a stray cat a 6oz filet and gave the dog baked potatoes. All while wearing a balloon hat. Fuck you Tuesday, i win

- I once tried to take the high road but it led to me having to be a decent person, so I stick to the douchey low road.... much easier. Ignorance is bliss and fish tacos are gross. In the words of the great philosopher Jason Snell... Count it!!!

- Gregs guys.....doin it!!!!!!!

- [BEGIN cryptic song lyric status update] "It's been a long time comin' but I know a change is gonna come." [cryptic song lyric status update COMPLETE]

- Friday. Night. Lights. (Okay so not comically genius or anything, but simple and it gets the point across. More people should watch this show)

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

You're Welcome Theater: Half Baked

It’s 4/20 so in honor of this most excellent of days, I am picking Half Baked. And, also, I love this movie. Truth be told, this is easily one of my all time favorite movies and I would lying if I said I haven’t seen it upwards of 50 times. 

"50 times?!?!"

What’s that? A movie where no humans die (RIP, Killer) bloody in terrible accidents or by alien, zombie-making worms? I know, right? I am mad versatile, yo.

“So, now we all live together in New York. I myself, am a master of the custodial arts. Or a janitor, if you wanna be a dick about it.”
I will run down the plot for you quickly, but everyone should have seen this movie at least once in their lifetime and if they haven’t, I just kind of feel sorry for you: A group of pothead friends join forces to sell weed to bail their friend Kenny out of jail after he accidentally killed a cop’s diabetic horse by feeding it various stoner snacks like celery, red popcorn, pizzas, a whole lot of water, peanut butter, graham crackers, grape jelly and what was that stuff? We used to eat it all the time back in the day???... It’s a pretty cut and dry plot and, like most movies I will be reviewing, the plot doesn’t matter. The clip above (I have figured out how to post vides, GO ME!) is one of my favorite parts in the movie. Truer words were never spoken and I giggle every time I hear it.

“You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on weed? Oh, there's some crazy shit, man. There's a dude in the bushes. Has he got a gun? I dunno! RED TEAM GO, RED TEAM GO.”
It’s just a very funny movie. Should you watch it sober? I am going to say no, you should not. I never have so I can’t tell you what that experience is like, but I am thinking it wouldn’t be the optimal viewing experience for this movie.

“What part of Jamaica are you from?”
“Right near da beach”

Half Baked also has an admittedly underrated, very funny cast. Dave Chappelle really can’t do a whole hell of a lot wrong ever, especially when he is talking about weed. And Scarface remains one of my favorite movie characters of all time. When Guillermo Diaz appears in anything, I get a little excited and I usually end up yelling “SCARFACE!” at the screen while I do a small happy dance. Also, everyone in the movie seems like they are just having a great time making it, you know? Sure, they may all be stoned while making it, but you can tell they all enjoy the ridiculous writing and the stoner jokes and everyone is just there to make a dumb movie and have fun with it. A good time will be had by anyone that watches it, I promise.

The doctor said I need a backiotomy

You know those movies that you watch and all it does is remind you of you and your dumbass friends watching the movie together and being ridiculous? That is what Half Baked does for me. It reminds me of a simpler time in Lynnfield when I didn’t so much give a fuck about anything ever and I just sat there with my pals and drank frozen drinks and painted kitchens hideous colors and made disturbing vulgar word arrangements with fridge magnets. Those were the days, and Half Baked takes me back to those days. Ahhh to be young and really, really stupid again…

“Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, and fuck you, I’m out!”

Age I would let my nephews watch: They could watch it now but they would probably be pretty bored with it and lose interest quickly. If nothing is blowing up or no one is being murdered and there are not car chases or wizards or dragons or whatever, they don’t so much care to watch it.